Grace
by SapphireMind
Summary: COMPLETE After her departure from the military, Shana struggles with her life. Chap 4 rated R for violence!
1. I

Alright. Someone tell my brain to shut down. I get new ideas, I have to write them down. They annoy me otherwise.  
  
General disclaimers apply, I do not own G.I. Joe or any of the characters, I'm just having a touch of fun.   
  
This first chapter is rated G. Warning, future chapters may contain graphic violence. Use caution and discretion before reading on.   
  
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"And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad, the dream in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had" Gary Jules/Tears for Fears "Mad World"  
  
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It had been four years now. Four years since the day Shana O'Hara's life had changed. She sighed deeply. This day was always hard for her. The nightmares had started again and she knew her only hope for sleep would be in the little white pills she was given for that purpose. She hoped that eventually she would be able to get through an anniversary without the nightmares and insomnia. She took a deep breath and glided through her apartment, getting herself a glass of water. She wanted something stronger, but she knew better than to mix it with her meds, especially if she was going to be alone.   
  
She was alone a lot of the time now. It bothered her sometimes, but she didn't know how to change it. Four years out of the military and she was still trying to figure out what else she could do with her life. Everyone pushed teaching on her, but she didn't know if she wanted to teach. Teaching seemed almost like giving up.   
  
Part of her seemed to still cling to her old life in the military, refusing to believe that it had marched on without her, although she knew intellectually that it had. When she was recovering physically, everyone had supported her through the highs and lows that went along with it. The mental recovery was much harder. She admitted that she didn't make it any easier on anyone. She was so angry then, she lashed out at those that cared for her most. Slowly, she alienated most of her friends from the military. They wouldn't admit it, but she was discharged and they were off on missions, who had the time to come and chat anymore?   
  
She set her glass back down, sitting on the couch, flipping the CD player on via remote and patting the couch next to her, giving a sharp whistle. A large german shepherd bounded up onto the couch, grateful for the invitation to sit with her. She scratched him lovingly behind his ears, smiling as she could tell how much he enjoyed the attention. "You're a good boy, aren't you, Chevy?"   
  
She got some odd reactions when people heard his name, thinking he was named after a car. In truth, he had been named when she received him, Chevalier. It was a french term meaning 'knight' or 'gallant', and it certainly fit the dog. He had been a lifesaver in more ways than she could count. The most important being how he could fend off the crushing loneliness that engulfed her too often. On days when it was a struggle to just get out of bed, knowing he was depending on her and waiting for her, helped motivate her.   
  
A wet nose nuzzled her hand, as she had slowed in scratching and he was unhappy with the change in plans. She smiled and resumed the more vigorous attention. Her watch said that it was nearly noon. Her therapist really wanted her to get out today, even if it was just for an office visit, but she wasn't sure if she could do it. She wasn't truly agoraphobic, but on this day, of all days, it was harder to leave her apartment.   
  
Her phone rang and it immediately switched to the answering machine, "You've reached 555-3475, I'm probably screening calls. Hang up at your own risk." There were a few clicks as a male voice came through the small speaker.  
  
"Shana? I know you are there. Pick up." She sighed, leaning over to grab the extension.   
  
"Yeah. I'm here." She didn't want to be prodded about how she felt or whether she was doing alright. There was little escaping that with fathers unfortunately.  
  
"Honey, are you alright? I wish you would have come home for this." His voice was low and concerned. He knew how difficult it was for her today, he had dealt with two of her previous anniversaries at his house as she recovered and one here as she settled into her new life on her own. She refused to let him come up or fly down to him this time, she wanted to do it on her own.   
  
"This is my home now. I know you don't like that, but it is. I do like it here and I need to learn how to be on my own again. I couldn't live like that anymore. You know I love you, but I have to be independent."   
  
"I know. I know, but it is my job as a father to worry about you." He sighed, "Call me if you need anything. I can fly up there in just a few hours. Or I can just talk to you."  
  
"Thanks. I'll call if I need it. I do appreciate the concern. I love you."  
  
"I love you too. Remember, just a phone call away."  
  
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Time seemed to crawl by. She held the bottle of pills tightly in one hand. She was trying to avoid taking any yet. She wanted to get through the day conscious. Her mind's eye helpfully replayed what happened any time her mind started to wander. Chevy whined softly, sensing his mistress's unease.   
  
She got up and paced around the apartment. It was a nice size, her disability payments were very generous and so she didn't have to be concerned financially. Her father loved her, but in this situation, she could easily see him becoming smothering. She didn't have many goals for her life now, but being independent was one of them.   
  
She stopped by the laptop, tempted to get on and message with some of the people she had met through her recovery and rehabilitation. She didn't want to do it though. Not without going out first. If she was going to get on, she wanted them all to congratulate her on doing this.   
  
Another lap around the apartment convinced her that she could do it. She grabbed her sunglasses, unlocked the 2 deadbolts and chain lock on her door, gave another whistle to Chevy, then taking his lead and a deep breath, opened the door and stepped out into the hallway.   
  
She was frozen there for a length of time; it seemed like forever to her, even though it couldn't have been more than a couple of minutes. She retreated back into the apartment for a moment, silently willing herself to go back out. She was stronger than this. It would feel better to have the sun shining on her skin and reassure her that she was out of that cell and free.   
  
Out again. Chevy dutifully mimicked his mistress's movements, waiting patiently until she was ready to go. She took a halting step, her hand against the wall to give her a sense of grounding and direction. That accomplished, she relocked the apartment, and then headed towards the doors that would lead them outside. She kept a hand on the wall, almost as a security blanket, knowing that firm thing was there to stabilize her in case of trouble was reassuring.   
  
They reached the doors to the outside; she slipped her glasses over her eyes and stepped out into the brightly shining sun and down the steps. Standing on the sidewalk, she felt better. She had done it. She had gone out on her own on the anniversary. She debated where to go now that she was out, debating between getting something to eat and going to the park. She decided on the park. If she got panicked in a restaurant it would be awkward leaving immediately, with bills to pay and excuses to make. If she went to the park, she could stay as little or as long as she wanted and if she wanted to bolt, no one had to know but her.   
  
Decision made, she and Chevy headed to Central Park. They only lived a few blocks away and with each step away from her apartment she felt stronger and better. When they arrived at the park, she sat down on a bench, Chevy obediently lying down at her feet. She scratched his ears again; he was such a good dog.  
  
She sat there, basking in the sunlight, wondering idly if she should have put some sunblock on first. Someone sat down on the bench near her, and she spoke congenially, "Hello." The person got up immediately and left without a word. She frowned, hating that reaction. It may be New York, but is a polite word too much trouble?  
  
Through her annoyed thoughts, the cold tendrils of fear began to weave their way into her consciousness. They caressed her gently, whispering about people watching her, planning on taking advantage of her, of hurting her. She stood up. She could feel eyes on her; she knew someone was watching her, even if she didn't know whom. The fear gripped her more tightly and she grasped Chevy's lead with white knuckles and whispered, "Let's go home Chevy."   
  
They hurried back to her apartment, still feeling followed and watched, using all of her will to not run headlong through the streets to get away. The walk to the park had taken them ten minutes; the return trip was only 4. She unlocked the security door and practically dove in, slamming it closed behind her. She felt marginally safer with that door closed, but continued quickly to her apartment, unlocking it and then quickly relocking all the various deadbolts and chains. She leaned against the door, breathing heavily, slipping down the door to the ground and shaking with fear. As she began to calm, the intercom on her door rang. Her head turned toward the sound sharply, carefully getting up and pressing the button, speaking into the microphone, her voice shakier than she would have liked. "Hello?"  
  
Silence from the speaker and she began to think they had left when a familiar voice resonated through her ears, "I'm ...I'm sorry. I should have called first."  
  
She stood there, stunned. What in the hell was he doing here? She didn't know what to say, so she just buzzed him in and unlocked the door. She sat on the couch, feeling lightheaded and disconnected for a moment. What in the hell was Conrad doing here, today of all days? 


	2. II

Still PG rated, all disclaimers apply, no copyright infringement intended, feedback welcome, I think that covered everything.  
  
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"Let's begin again, begin the begin" R.E.M. - Begin the Begin  
  
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Shana was still sitting on the couch when there was a knock on the door. "It's me Shana." His voice was deep and strong, the voice of the leader that he was.   
  
She debated sitting on the couch but instead got up and answered the door, partially to show she could. "Hello Conrad, come on in." It was a little strange to be using only real names now, after so much time as code names. She knew his real name of course, and he knew hers; they had been close friends once upon a time. "Excuse me if I'm blunt, but why are you here?" She glided gracefully over to her armchair and sat down. Chevy went over to sniff the stranger curiously. "Go on, have a seat if you want one, don't just stand in the doorway." She didn't bother turning her head to speak to him. She heard the door click closed, then the locks reassembled, the soft rustle of footsteps on carpet and the quiet groan of the couch as he sat down. "And before we go further, was that you in the park?"  
  
A pensive silence, finally he admitted it, "Yes. How did you know?"  
  
"I'm not stupid Conrad." Her voice was harsh. This is why she couldn't stand her old friends anymore. Why they assumed her brain cells had left along with her eyes was beyond her. Her family did the same occasionally, but not nearly as frequently. They knew by now she was capable of a lot. "So, let's get down to business, what do you need?"  
  
"Please Shana, I didn't want to come here and fight with you."  
  
"Good, because I really don't have the patience for it anymore. What do you want?" This was such a contrast to the person she was before, but now she didn't have the luxuries that she did back then. Sometimes she hated what she had become; other times she looked back with disdain to her Pollyanna attitude.  
  
"I wanted to see you," he stumbled a little, afraid of offending her with his words, "Talk to you. I've missed you Shana."  
  
She sighed with annoyance, "You can say the word 'see', and any variation on it. I use them." Her tone softened a little, "I've missed you too. I've missed everyone."   
  
"I heard you were living up here on your own and I knew that today is hard for you." She nodded, not even trying to deny it. She was a little surprised he remembered the day. It obviously wasn't as big a deal to others as it was to her. "It's hard for me too."  
  
She cocked her head to the side, indicating her confusion, "Why is that?"  
  
"Because I know it is my fault that this happened. I should have been able to protect you." His words were simple and his voice was low and full of emotion.  
  
"It's not your fault Conrad." Now she felt bad, she had been so caught up in her own pain, she hadn't realized the guilt that some of her friends felt for the incident.   
  
"I feel responsible. You were under my command, and I was the one..." his voice caught and then steadied, "the one who found you. If I had gotten there earlier..." trailing off, she could hear his voice change as he looked away from her. "I'm so sorry Shana, for everything you had to go through." She nodded, taking slow breaths. She really had come a long way in therapy, but this was still very hard. He noticed her careful posture and breathing, "Has it gotten easier?" His voice was gentle and soft, like a comforting blanket.  
  
She nodded again, her voice cracking at first, and then stabilizing, "Today is really hard for me. But I don't have as many panic attacks anymore."  
  
"Do you want me to leave? I am so sorry about scaring you in the park. I chickened out and hoped you didn't notice," his guilt burden was only getting heavier with the conversation.  
  
"No, stay." She drew her legs up underneath her, getting comfortable. "It's actually kind of nice to have someone talk to who was there. Or close enough to being there." She had never actually spoken at once all of what had happened, given the doctors the relevant information, the psychiatrists the same, and leaving out what she could get away with. End result being that no one but her had the full story, and somehow she felt safer that way. She edged away from the topic though for a while and treaded to safer waters, "How is everyone else?"  
  
"They're all great. Jaye and Flint got engaged. Rumor has it that Beach Head and Cover Girl are an item, which I find amusing. Falcon's still hanging in there." He hesitated before adding the next part, "And Snake Eyes misses you."   
  
She winced a little. She regretted leaving things as she did with him, but he had to face it, mute man, blind woman, there's a huge problem there. "Tell him I'm sorry again."  
  
"I will. Though he'd probably like to hear it from you."   
  
"Maybe. I don't know if anyone really wants to see me anymore." She sighed then stood up, "I'm sorry, I'm being a terrible hostess, do you want something to eat or drink?" He hesitated, and she felt the anger rising a little; he wasn't sure if she was capable of getting him anything. "Yes or no Conrad, I'm getting something to drink too, it's no trouble."  
  
He sounded a little astonished at her abrasiveness, managing to say, "Sure. Whatever you are having is fine."  
  
She gave a sigh of annoyance and got up, feeling his eyes watch her as she confidently walked through the apartment. She was careful though, because the last thing she wanted to do was to make a misstep and run into something or otherwise show weakness. She stopped at the liquor cupboard, removing her whiskey and a bottle of Scotch; she remembered that Conrad preferred Scotch. He drank it neat, though she was tempted to put ice in it, to show she could. She poured herself a glass of whiskey, turning to reach into the fridge and grab a bag of grapes, rinsing them off then putting them in a bowl. Carrying the bowl in the crook of her arm, she took her glass in her left, Conrad's in her right, heading back to the living room.  
  
She knew Conrad had watched the whole process intently, but to his credit, he didn't offer to help or fuss over her. She set his glass on the coffee table near him, setting the bowl of grapes down too and relaxed back into her chair. She sipped her whiskey gently, deciding that Conrad's arrival was enough to merit mixing of meds with alcohol. She wouldn't drink too much and if she did, she could skip the sleeping pills.   
  
"Thanks." He had a note of amazement in his voice at the way she navigated the apartment. She heard him sip his Scotch, then set it back down.  
  
"You can ask me questions Conrad. I get more annoyed by you not asking them."   
  
"I don't want to offend you or upset you..." his voice held a sheepish aspect, feeling stupid and embarrassed for being curious.  
  
Her jaw tightened for a moment, then she relaxed and explained patiently, "As soon as we can get past your curiosity of me, we can start just dealing with each other like people."  
  
"Alright. Physically then, you are feeling better?" She nodded and then there was a pause, "Do they hurt?"  
  
Her lips turned up slightly in a smile, debating on whether to shock him, "No. They're different, but they don't hurt. Once you adjust to them, it's just like they were always there." She reached up and gently popped her left eye out, holding it up so Conrad could see it.  
  
"Shit Shana!" He had definitely been taken by surprise. Then his voice sounded awed, "They really do look just like your old eyes. There's so much detail! How does it stay in?"  
  
She carefully replaced the eye back into the socket, blinking rapidly to recoat it with tears. "Well, it's molded to fit the socket and wants to stay in there. These aren't purely cosmetic; without something to hold up the orbital socket, it can kind of collapse, plus your eyelids will stop working. They were handmade and the ocularist was given a lot of photos of me before so she could make exact copies."  
  
"I never even would have thought of all that. When you are just sitting there, it really seems like you are looking at me and none of this ever happened." There was a touch of wistfulness in his voice.  
  
She took another sip of whiskey, "Yeah, I've had some people give me a hard time actually because of Chevy. They think it's a prank or scam. I have paperwork I carry that certifies that he's able to go wherever I go." a devilish smirk came to her face, "but sometimes I'll just pop out an eye. That usually convinces them that I am actually blind." She laughed and she was pleased to hear that Conrad joined in with her.  
  
"You are doing well by yourself." Again, the awed tone was heard.  
  
"It took a long time. But I'm doing ok. I've been in this place for 5 months now. It's actually easier here because no one else lives here that can move things. I can memorize all the layouts of rooms that I want, but if my brother pulls out a chair and forgets to put it back, it's still a collision." she flipped her hair back away from her face. "Any other questions?"  
  
"Do you have a cane?"   
  
"Yeah, though I don't use it very much. More awkward I guess. I am supposed to take it even when I'm out with Chevalier, but I don't bother. It lets drivers and people know you are blind, but Chevy would never let anything hurt me."  
  
Conrad chuckled, looking at the large dog, "No, I bet he wouldn't. It's starting to get late. I guess I probably should go, I don't want to bother you."  
  
"You're not bothering me Conrad. This has actually been great to keep my mind off of things." She checked her watch, the voice speaking the time in its monotone, "But if you have a date or something or have to get back to base..." she trailed off, giving him the easy out.  
  
"No no, no dates. I've actually got the week off." He hesitated,finally just asking her, "Would you like to maybe get some dinner with me?"   
  
She paused, unsure. "I'd like to. But. I get panic attacks sometimes. Especially around this time..." She trailed off, color coming to her cheeks.  
  
"Maybe I could get takeout and we could catch up?" His tone was understanding and hopeful.   
  
"Takeout sounds great." Relief washed through her, "I know a great italian place nearby." As she got up to get her jacket, she realized how nice it was to have Conrad around and how much she had missed talking with him. It made this anniversary so far easier than it had ever been. It could just be time, but it felt good to reconnect with her old life a little. 


	3. III

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"We don't even have pictures, just memories to hold" Toad the Wet Sproket, "Walk on the Ocean"  
  
Shana waited by the door for Conrad, feeling fairly secure that she would be able to leave a little easier than she had before. Suddenly a strong hand clamped onto her arm and her instincts kicked in. She quickly swung around her arm to free herself, while simultaneously crouching and doing a leg sweep. She heard a thud as the other person fell, then the adrenaline started to fade and she realized what she did.   
  
"Conrad?" Her voice was embarrassed and nervous; he hadn't said anything since she downed him, she hoped she hadn't really hurt him.  
  
"I'm ok. I'm going to get up slowly, if that's alright?" His voice was full of confusion.  
  
She nodded unhappily, "I'm sorry. You just scared me. Just so you know, never grab a blind person's arm," she tried offering an excuse, but she knew she overreacted. Damn it, it was just this day, her emotions were all over the place.   
  
"No harm done," she could hear him slowly moving a little closer to her and his voice dropped lower, "I'm sorry Shana. I should have realized that would scare you. I didn't warn you at all." He paused for a moment, then his voice was quizzical, "Why shouldn't I take your arm? I thought if we were leaving Chevy here, I could lead you."  
  
"Ok. Here, it's easier to demonstrate. Close your eyes. I'm going to take your arm." She suddenly smiled a little, breaking the tension from earlier, "It'll be the blind leading the blind." She took his arm firmly, "Are your eyes closed?"  
  
He nodded then realized she wouldn't see the motion and spoke, "Yes ma'am," he grinned a little.  
  
"Alright. I'll lead you then. Just go where I go." She gave a jerk as they started and Conrad stumbled a little, she walked for a few steps then changed her pace, then stopped suddenly. "You can open your eyes, how did you feel about me leading you?"  
  
"I was damn nervous," he admitted, "And every time you stopped or started or changed speeds, I lost my balance a bit."  
  
Her face bloomed into a smile, "You feel out of control. If the person holding onto you were to fall, you'd go with them. Now, take my arm and let me lead you around again." She repeated the circuit around the apartment, complete with the changes of pace and sudden stops. "A lot better, isn't it."  
  
"Yeah, it is. I could control my own pace and if there was a problem, I could let go easily," his voice held dawning understanding. "I never would have thought of that. I'm sorry."   
  
"It's ok. I never would have either before this. Plus, on this day of all days, I would appreciate warning before you touch me. I am a tad jumpy and my mind prefers to protect first, sort out the rest later." Her voice held an apologetic tone. "Ok. Now that we've covered that, want to get some takeout?"  
  
He sounded surprised, "You still want to go?"   
  
She smiled reassuringly, "Yeah. That's what most people didn't realize when I was in my mega-bitch phase, just because I get mad or say or do something, doesn't mean that I'm actually pissed off at you or anything." She went to the corner of the room, retrieving her long cane and moving towards the door and felt around the air until she found Conrad's large bicep. She shivered just slightly, even through his coat, she could feel the strength of his arms. She had a flashback suddenly of him finding her after...after it all and him carrying her to safety. It made her feel safe to be going out when he would be there too. "Let's go."  
  
He led her out, letting her stop to lock the door and then continuing on the walk. Even though she held his arm, she was largely leading the way, since she knew where they were going. He broke the silence that had been building since they left the apartment, "You still doing ok?" He had noticed her grip had gotten tighter and her posture overall was tense.  
  
She nodded, "Just hard to relax sometimes. So anything you've been doing lately that you can tell me about?" She was trying to get the conversation on normal topics, hoping it would take her mind off her nervousness.  
  
"Nothing too exciting. I really wish there was more to tell you. I mean, it's been years since we've really spoken. I'm sorry about that." He sounded ashamed about it, "You were going through such a tough time and the whole team pretty much abandoned you."  
  
She shook her head, "Don't say that. Seriously, the phone works both ways and I really didn't make it easy on you all." Color rose to her cheeks when she admitted that. "I'm sorry about that. I know you took more than you deserved from me," her voice dropped a bit.   
  
He laid a hand over hers for a moment, "Please, don't dwell on it. Though, I could have done without the huge scar you gave me. It really screwed up my part." He chuckled, watching her reaction.  
  
She stopped suddenly, a look of horror on her face, "I didn't think I hit you that badly!"  
  
"You've got damn good aim for a blind woman."   
  
"Oh my God, Conrad! I am so sorry, why didn't you tell -" she stopped speaking, distracted by his laughter at her distress. A look of disbelief and then a huge grin dawned on her face, "You bastard. You're lying, aren't you? Way to take advantage of the blind chick!" She laughed and then motioned with her hand, "Lean down, let me check. I know I did hit you. Sorry about that."  
  
He chuckled as he bent down and let her feel the top of his head, watching the amused stares of the other people on the street as she did so. "It's alright. Don't think about it. This was enough payback." He grinned, enjoying the feel of her fingers trailing down his face, feeling the emotion there before they returned to his arm.  
  
"Well hell. Ok. You're going to have to help me now. You gave me such a scare I totally lost my place." She tapped the edge of the building with her cane. "I know we are fairly close. Do you see a sign for Telly's?"   
  
"Indeed I do. It's about 500 feet ahead." He was quietly amazed by her ability to get around the city on her own.  
  
They walked the rest of the way in silence, entering the small restaurant and a young woman greeted them, "Shana, glad to see you back. Who's this?"  
  
Shana grinned, she could tell from the tone of voice that Maria was trying to determine if Shana was on a date, or if Conrad was up for grabs, "This is an old friend of mine from work."   
  
"Pleased to meet you ma'am" Shana felt the reverberations through Duke's body as he shook the other woman's hand.   
  
"Call me Maria," her voice lowered and Shana resisted a giggle as she heard her say more quietly, "Call me anytime you want, handsome."   
  
She felt Conrad's body tense at the attention from Maria and decided to have pity on him, "We're just getting some take out."  
  
The disappointment was clear in Maria's voice, "Alright, what can I get you?"  
  
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They sat on the floor of Shana's apartment after having stuffed themselves on the good Italian food, as well as a bottle of wine Shana had brought out. Dinner had passed in a comfortable silence as they concentrated on the food, but with that done, she got up, pulled out a bottle of whiskey and sat down next to him, her words still without slur. "We'll have the good whiskey. I can't mix my Xanax with alcohol. I started with alcohol, so I need enough to get me through tonight."  
  
Conrad's voice was concerned, "Do you take it regularly? Is it ok to be using alcohol instead?"  
  
She waved her hand dismissively, "It should get me through the night and as long as I don't use both at once, I'll still wake up. I don't take it every night, just on nights like tonight. But actually, it's been better today with you here," she leaned against him, drinking the whiskey down.  
  
He slowly slipped an arm around her in response, voice low, "I'm glad I could help Shana." He paused, "What did end up happening with you and Snakes?"  
  
She shrugged, "There were problems before this happened and we just couldn't survive it. He thought what I went through was not much more devastating than what he went through, so he expected me to react like he did. It is different and I can react however I want. He didn't have to take over two years learning how to live independently. He's still got a job and his life."  
  
"You still have a life Shana, it's different than it used to be, but that doesn't make it any less of a life."   
  
"I know. I'm not really intending on committing suicide any time soon. We couldn't communicate in private easily, I was having a hard enough time learning Braille, I wasn't up to also learning to recognize ASL by touch."   
  
His voice was apologetic, "I'm sorry if this was a bad topic to bring up, I didn't realize all that was going on."  
  
She shook her head, "Don't worry about it. It's in the past. That's just the way things go sometimes. He could have done things to make it happen, but it wasn't important to do them."  
  
"You should talk to him. Hell, I know despite everything that happened, everyone would love to see you again."  
  
A very slight smile came to her lips, realizing he used the word "see" and wasn't self-conscious about it. "Maybe. Thanks for asking. It's good to be reminded that I can maybe rebuild the bridges I've burned. I miss Allie sometimes," she admitted honestly.   
  
"She misses you too. Courtney is a poor replacement for you," he gave her a gentle squeeze. "And no one is as good as you at fixing things when Dash and Allie go at it."  
  
She bowed her head a little, thinking of all the days past, how important it was then, and now she just survived; nothing special, nothing glamorous. She could still see pictures in her mind's eye, and now all the happy memories of the past came rushing back, when she first joined the team, the honor of being the first woman ever in a position like that, hazing the new guys, nights spent in the common room, drinking beers and bullshitting. She missed being one of the guys.  
  
"You ok?" Conrad touched her chin lightly to tip her head back up and she nodded hurriedly. "I was afraid you had passed out on me or something." He paused, "Do you close your eyes when you sleep?"  
  
Her brow furrowed, "Honestly, I'm not sure," she smirked, "I'm usually asleep when it happens." They laughed with each other and she had to stifle a yawn suddenly.  
  
"I'm sorry Shana," he stood up fairly abruptly. "I've stayed too late. I should go."  
  
She sighed, disappointed somehow that the night would be ending, "I'll call you a cab."  
  
"I drove, don't worry about it."  
  
"Conrad!" Her voice was sharp, "You've been drinking, you can't drive. Do you have to be back to base tonight?"  
  
"Nah, and I'm ok..." he trailed off, realizing that even if he felt ok, it wasn't something he should be doing.   
  
"The couch is damn comfy, I've slept there many times. Crash here, you can go back tomorrow, ok? I would be worried sick if you were out driving."   
  
He hesitated then gave a sigh, "Alright. But I don't want to overstay my welcome."  
  
"You aren't. Trust me. Make yourself comfortable. Honestly, it will be nice to have someone around tonight." She could feel the fear on the edges of her senses and the reassurance he brought her was too hard to turn away once it was here. "Bathroom is around that way, let me get you a pillow and a blanket. Anything else you need?"  
  
"I can't think of anything. Thanks Shana. I should have laid off the alcohol."  
  
"Don't give it a second thought. It was all my idea. I just am not used to people driving around anymore." She got him the things for sleeping and gave a wave and retreated to her room. The whiskey she had drunk was really starting to catch up with her and she looked forward to the unconsciousness that it promised. 


	4. IV

Author's notes: Remember kiddies when I warned that some sections might be higher rated? That some might contain graphic and disturbing violence? This would be that chapter. Please, this chapter is rated R. If you are at all sensitive to torture and violence, please do not read this chapter. I do not want to offend anyone, but I also wanted to show how horrible it could be.   
  
I'll say it again loudly:  
  
DON'T READ THIS CHAPTER IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO READ ABOUT GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF VIOLENCE AND/OR TORTURE.   
  
Other general disclaimers apply, this is my own sick and twisted imagination, and many thanks to my husband and his time as an Army interrogator for his help on helping to make this as realistic as I could. I do not own GI Joe, nor do I claim to, nor do I make money from this. Please don't sue.  
  
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"Without a thought without a voice without a soul, don't let me die here, there must be something more; bring me to life" Evanescence, "Bring Me to Life"  
  
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Conrad was settled fairly comfortably on Shana's living room couch. He was sleeping off the effects of the alcohol they consumed earlier when he heard an ear splitting scream. He leapt up from the couch, following the sound of the screams to Shana's bedroom. She was still lying down, but she was screaming the most awful noise he had ever heard before. He rushed over there, trying to wake her up and rouse her from her obvious nightmare. She fought against him, still asleep, until he was finally able to wake her.  
  
She didn't say anything, just sobbed loudly as he held her, rocking her slightly and stroking her hair. It seemed like forever that they stayed like that until she finally quieted. She didn't attempt to apologize for the outburst; she felt like he understood why it had happened. "Thank you," was the only thing she was able to say. Maybe she wasn't ready to be on her own for the anniversary yet. It depressed her that it might never be something she could handle alone.   
  
"Are you ok now?" His voice was concerned and quiet.   
  
"I think so. Hopefully the neighbors won't have called the cops," she sighed, relaxing into his arms.  
  
"Nightmare I take it? Do you want to talk about it?" He was gentle, not overly nosy.  
  
"It's just...My mind insists on replaying that day over and over sometimes. I couldn't handle it then and I can't handle it now," now she just sounded depressed. Conrad sat more comfortably on her bed and continued to hold her, not forcing her to go on if she wasn't ready or able to. "It's not like I hadn't ever been captured before. I had always managed to escape or someone had come to my rescue..."  
  
::::::::::::::::::::  
  
Scarlett roared around a curve, just barely keeping all wheels on the ground. She was chasing Major Bludd after a failed Cobra raid on a munitions depot. She spotted him ahead and felt comfortable in chasing him. She didn't have any backup, but he appeared to be alone too, so it was a pretty even score. Plus, there was no time for anyone to catch up; she couldn't hit a pause button to make Bludd stop fleeing.  
  
She was gaining and she pushed the vehicle to its limits trying to close the distance. She maneuvered her crossbow to try and blow out a tire. She swore as she missed, and then again as something sailed and landed in the back seat of the jeep. Bastard had thrown a grenade back at her and had a lucky shot. The options for a situation like this were: try and get the grenade and throw it out, stop the car and start running or ditch the vehicle in a roll and hope that puts enough distance between her and the mess. All options involved losing the race she was in to catch Bludd, but the last option was the clear winner as choices go; broken bones healed a hell of a lot better than burns and shrapnel. Decision made, she jumped from the car, trying to roll. The grenade exploded while she was in the air and the push of air threw her balance off and next thing she knew, she was laying on the ground, burning car parts surrounding her. Her leg hurt like hell and she wasn't sure if she had blacked out when she hit her head. She did know that it hurt to move and she was very dizzy. She knew too that with the jeep exploding, a rescue team would be out soon.   
  
Soon, too soon in hindsight, she heard footsteps crunching towards her. She moved carefully to greet her rescuer, but her words died in her throat. A guttural laugh came from Major Bludd and as he inelegantly heaved her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, she lost consciousness again.  
  
She regained consciousness, finding herself laying in a very uncomfortable position in pitch darkness. "Doc?" she called out groggily, holding onto the hope that she had been rescued. As she tried to move, she realized with panic that her arms and legs were restrained. She tried to adjust to the darkness to determine where she was, dreading the confirmation that went along with the pain that came with her position.  
  
Suddenly the lights above her flared to life, blinding her again just as she was beginning to adjust to the darkness. She fought down the rising panic at being restrained, trying to make a plan; the throbbing in her head was not helping matters, nor was the fact that she had her back on some sort of thin table and her hands and feet bound underneath, keeping her arched backwards, head below her heart. She figured she had a concussion, but it couldn't be too serious, she was staying conscious now.   
  
A voice cut through the air, causing her to try and crane her neck to face her captor, "I see you are awake. Much more fun." His face finally loomed over hers, too close for comfort, making her want to shy away but she was held fast.  
  
"Get away from me you one eyed freak!" she spat with vehemence.  
  
"Tsk tsk. Not playing very nice," he leaned down in conspiratorial whisper, "That's ok. I'm not going to play nice either. Tell me Scarlett, what are the security codes for Joe Headquarters?"  
  
"Sergeant, Scarlett, RA242967434," she spoke, keeping her voice even and strong.  
  
A chilling chuckle emanated from him as he moved to her side, "Oh, you don't need to bother with that boring Geneva Convention shit, I know I'm not. Those rules take all the fun out of interrogation."  
  
"Sergeant, Scarlett, RA242967434," she continued, keeping on the strong front. She gasped in pain, looking down at her arm that now bore a thin bloody line.  
  
"Perhaps we just need to work up to that question," he patted her head, "I understand. What is your real name?"  
  
"Sergeant, Scarlett, RA242967434."  
  
Suddenly there was a piece of dark plastic over her face. She couldn't see, she tried to take a breath in and only could hear the crackle of the plastic, the maniac's laughter and the sound of her thrashing against her restraints, trying desperately to get air. Her lungs burned and she gasped uselessly, panic rising. Her arms and legs got heavy and harder to move, and she didn't seem to need to breathe anymore. She shuddered and the black of the plastic was replaced by the grey of her mind, all the noises from before fading quickly into muted silence. She lost consciousness.  
  
Someone was hitting her, slapping her roughly and she realized she could breathe again. She drew in air in big gulping gasps. She was shaking uncontrollably in the restraints. Her vision swam into focus again and she realized that this was not the kind of wakeup call she wanted.   
  
"Wasn't that fun? Next time you don't tell me what I want to hear, I won't let you wake up. Real name?"  
  
She thought about whether to just tell him, when the plastic was back. She couldn't help but try and fight against the suffocation, hurting herself even more as she fought against the restraints. She felt ashes fall onto her skin through the remains of her clothing and as she began to again lose consciousness, the feathery touch of the burned paper seeming heightened as the rest of her senses faded. It was maddening, knowing that just a flimsy piece of plastic was killing her, but she could do nothing to prevent it. Again the world faded away and it all became much easier for her.  
  
A sharp kick to her legs brought her to consciousness and she couldn't help but sob as her body shook again, her body reacting violently to the withdrawal of oxygen. Her wrists and ankles were bleeding from the struggle she had mounted and the bastard just kept laughing at her. "Real name?"  
  
"Oh God, please just stop!"  
  
"Wrong answer." The plastic was back and the fighting against the darkness was much slower. By this time, she had begun to decide that possibly death was the best possible outcome. Darkness.  
  
Scarlett screamed in pain as she shook, waking up again from the edge of death. This time he had used her stomach as an ashtray for his cigar. She couldn't believe this was happening and she was delirious from all the pain. She vaguely heard him say something and heard the rustle of plastic and she screamed out in panic, "Wait! I'll -" her words were again cut off by the plastic that she was convinced would be her shroud and it wasn't long before the darkness enveloped her, now instead of fighting the darkness off, she fought the return from the darkness.  
  
This time her wake up call was a bucket of cold salt water dumped on her, bringing pain to her abraised body and a desire to throw up from her accidental swallowing of the liquid and the awful stuff up her nose. A seductive whisper in her ear, "Just tell me your name and this will stop."  
  
Her voiced rattled while her body convulsed, "Shana! Shana O'Hara!!" She felt him caress her face gently and she shuddered, seeing him look so calm was terrifying.  
  
"That wasn't so hard, now was it?" he giggled, moving out of her vision. "Now we're going to play a game. I'm going to ask the questions, and you will answer them. If I'm not pleased by the answer, you tell me a part of your body that I should demonstrate my displeasure on. If you don't choose quickly, I'll choose a few of my favorites. Understand?"  
  
She moaned, which he accepted as acknowledgement. His voice was sharp as he fired out questions, "What are the security codes for the Joe base?"  
  
She mumbled out a code, "Romeo Tango Lima Lima Uniform 37254 Charlie Zulu."   
  
He nodded looking apologetic, "But how can I be sure that's the real code? I can't. Name something!" Scarlett searched her mind for a part of her body that could withstand more abuse when searing, burning pain came to her right hip then her left shoulder, then right breast. He was using a small metal rod that was practically glowing with heat.  
  
"I swear! I swear it is current, but they'll change it as soon as they know I am captured! I can't help it!"  
  
He cooed to her softly, "I am a very reasonable man," he ran his hand down her face, over her breasts, resting at her partially exposed stomach. His fingers wandered over to the wound that had been made on her hip by the rod, digging into it and playing in the blood, painting it on her body. She couldn't help it, she screamed in pain as he did that. She hated seeing the pleased expression on his face as he got to her, but she couldn't stop herself.   
  
He kissed her tenderly, he brought the small metal bar that he was using up to her ear and she screamed again as pain exploded in her already sore head.  
  
She didn't know how long it went on honestly, time ceased to have any meaning. She didn't care anymore after a while, she told him anything he asked for. She didn't even try to stop herself. She told him about her dog, her friends, her shoe size; anything he asked for. She spent most of her coherent thoughts trying to figure out how to kill herself. Obviously no one would be coming for her, and all she had to look forward to was continuing in this room until Bludd killed her.   
  
After she had retched forth everything she knew, she began simply to beg him to end it. She no longer cared whether it was via release or death; she just wanted it to stop. He gave her another of his serene smiles, "I may be a one eyed freak to you, but after today, I'll always be one up on you, in a sense," he laughed uproariously at his own joke, "Do you know the sound an eyeball makes when a hot poker is pressed to it?" He leaned in close to her good ear, "I do. That's how I lost mine. It will join us and you'll never forget this day or that sound."  
  
That was when she began screaming, over and over again as she had her lid forced open and a small heated rod was pressed against her right eye. The sound of a slight sizzle and then a sickening pop as she continued to scream and one side of her vision went dark. She would have been throwing up but for the lack of stomach contents. Before she could even fully grasp what had happened to her right eye, her left lid was forced open and given the same treatment. The sound and smell was truly something she would never forget, no matter how much she would want to.  
  
She couldn't stop screaming. The pain was like a forest fire out of control in her head; making every other wound she had received that much worse. Dimly in the background she heard speaking on the intercom. Bludd patted her on the head like one would pat a dog and spoke into her ear. "I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere." He cackled maniacally as he left the room.   
  
She forced herself to get beyond the pain raging through her, realizing that if she wanted to escape or even just to kill herself, now would be her only chance. She fought against her restraints, trying to shimmy herself so she would fall off the table.  
  
She rolled hard onto the floor, hands still shackled to her feet. She couldn't see anything and couldn't remember where anything was in the room. Panic was rising again, but she felt the ground underneath her change to a different texture as she wriggled on the floor. There was a grate and she decided to take the chance that it led somewhere and it wasn't obvious where she was. For the first time since the ordeal started, she felt a flicker of hope.  
  
Moving the grate was a struggle and she almost gave up, crying in desperation. She heard sounds outside the room she was in, and she felt a wave of relief wash through her as the grate gave way and she tumbled into foul smelling water. She resisted the temptation to just lie down and rest her overworked muscles but urged herself on, afraid of Bludd finding her too easily. She heaved at the stench where she was; she must be in the sewer system. She continued to wriggle and roll through the three inch deep water, being encouraged by the fact that every moment she was free was another moment she had control over her own life.  
  
Time in the tunnels was much like it was on Bludd's table; it had no meaning. She crawled, she rested, she was forced to drink the filthy water because she was so thirsty. She was totally blinded and utterly lost. She collapsed finally, not being able to take it any more, and passing into unconsciousness.  
  
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Conrad couldn't speak. He would never forget finding her abused body in the tunnel, the blood running from so many wounds and the absolute horror that was her face. More than anything, the broken look that she had would stay with him always. He had scooped her into his arms and taken her out of that hellhole, but she had never told him before tonight what really happened. He just held her gently, letting her cry. He wanted to say something that would make it better, but he knew he couldn't.  
  
Shana was sobbing spastically in his arms, but for her part, she actually felt marginally better having finally confessed the whole ordeal to someone. She felt as safe in his arms now as she did that night when he carried her to safety. She fell asleep before she truly stopped crying, and Conrad just stayed, holding her, trying to keep the dreams away for the rest of the night. 


	5. V

Notes:  
  
Many continued thanks to Milareppa for her loverly beta services :) If you like Star Trek, Real Ghostbusters or Stargate, go read her stuff!  
  
This chapter is back down to normal pg-13 rating. The violence is done. And thanks to all the feedback I've gotten so far, it really helps me :)  
  
All the normal copyright disclaimers apply, please keep on reviewing :)  
  
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"I don't know why you're mean to me  
  
When I call on the telephone  
  
And I don't know what you mean to me  
  
But I want to turn you on, turn you up, figure you out, I want to take you on" Strange Currencies - R.E.M.  
  
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Shana woke the next morning and was surprised at the lack of panic she felt when she realized she was not alone. The warm strong arms around her seemed to keep some of the fear at bay. She silently moved her hand to touch her clock to check the time; it was nearing seven A.M.   
  
"Sleep better?" Conrad's voice rumbled softly.   
  
"Yes. Thank you," her voice was almost a whisper to join his, the situation more than a little awkward. She was embarrassed by how badly she broke down the night before, reliving it again for him, then sleeping in his arms. She hadn't seen him in years, and she hated to be seen as weak, and here she was, playing the shrinking violet. She was still strong and independent; she didn't need anyone. She quickly stood up, breaking out of his arms. Her hand went nervously to her hair and her voice became harsher and more businesslike, "Really. Thank you. I'm sorry for being such a drama queen last night. Do you want anything to drink before you leave? Coffee?"   
  
There was a moment of silence, as Conrad laid there, "No, I'm sorry." She could hear the springs groan just slightly as he stood up. "I shouldn't have done it. I'm sorry Shana. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable or anything like that." She heard him as he moved to the front room to get his things, she could hear the pity in his voice and it disgusted her.  
  
"It's alright. It was nothing. Really." She couldn't shake the feeling that it was something, but she wasn't going to admit it right now. "Drive safely and all that. If you're ever by here again, be sure and say hello. No stalking at the park please though." She gave him a weak smile, just wanting this over and him out. She could already hear the stories going around base about how pathetic she was and about her nightmares. Her anger rose, but she tried to keep it in check.  
  
"No. No. I won't do that again. Thanks for the hospitality." He felt like he was being rushed out by her and he was convinced he had done something wrong. He cursed himself for going too far by staying next to her the previous night, even though it had been non-sexual, he felt he clearly made her uncomfortable. He grabbed his coat, trying to think of something he could do to smooth things over.   
  
"My pleasure. Have a safe trip back to base." She opened the door for him, part of her hating that she was doing this, but she couldn't stop herself. She couldn't be vulnerable like that again. She shouldn't have allowed it to happen.   
  
"Shana..." He trailed off then sighed. This wasn't the time to address this. He'd just have to come by again. He spoke as he walked out the door, "Do you mind if I called you? I have the week off, and I'd like to see you again. I miss you."  
  
She hesitated, and then nodded, "I guess it's ok. Bye Conrad. I missed you too." The last was much quieter and keeping the quiet tone and speeding up her words, she whispered, "Thanks for helping me last night." They hugged a bit awkwardly and then she closed the door and he was gone.  
  
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She ran her hands through her hair repeatedly. Her hair was something else she refused to give up. Many of her blind friends had short hair because it was easier to care for without seeing it and they didn't know any differently. Shana though had always had her long red hair and she couldn't let it go, even if it was a lot more difficult.   
  
She turned on a CD to help calm her nerves. Getting past the anniversary, she was feeling better overall, except when it came to Conrad. What the hell had she been doing last night? Now he just felt sorry for her and she couldn't stand pity. She fed Chevy, pacing around anxiously. She knew what she needed to do and put in a call to her therapist, who thankfully was free and told her to head over.   
  
Shana changed clothes quickly, not wanting to wear the clothes from the night before. She braided her hair quickly, put on Chevy's harness and exited her apartment and building, walking over to her therapist's office. The walk was fairly short and uneventful and the receptionist's voice was warm as she greeting both woman and dog. Shana was told she could go right in, so she did. She sat on the couch, setting down Chevy's harness and giving him a command letting him know he was on break.  
  
Cynthia had been Shana's therapist ever since she moved to New York. She specialized in Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and the fallout of a disabling incident. Shana felt fairly close to the other woman and trusted her judgment on things. "Thanks for fitting me in." Shana kicked her feet up on the couch into a fairly traditional psychiatric pose, but was more interested in the fact that it was a comfortable couch.  
  
"I was hoping you would come by today. I left my schedule open for you. How did your anniversary go? Did you get out?" Cynthia's voice was gentle as it probed, heartened by the fact that Shana seemed reasonably at ease today, but knew the ex-soldier well enough to know that she was an expert at masking her feelings when she wanted to.  
  
"Yes and no." Silence greeted her, waiting for her to go on. "I went out, had a panic attack, went home...And an old friend came by."   
  
"Oh really? What kind of friend?"  
  
"His name is Conrad, we served together. We were best friends once upon a time. He's the one who..." she struggled momentarily with the words, "found me."  
  
The faint scritch of pencil on paper could be heard as Cynthia spoke, "What brought about the visit? Did he say?"  
  
"The anniversary. He wanted to make sure I was ok."   
  
"And were you? Does he memorialize the date too?" A pause as she watched Shana nod, "How did the visit go overall?"  
  
"I was mostly ok. We had dinner. He was going to sleep on the couch..." she trailed off, sighing.  
  
Shana noted the change in Cynthia's tone, from trying to draw her out, to an underlying concern suddenly, "And he didn't?" The therapist tried to keep any accusation out of her voice or judgment, knowing the other was more than adept at reading tones.  
  
"We didn't have sex. I'm not that stupid," she chuckled a little. "But, I had a nightmare. I told him about what happened. All of it. And then he just held me all night. But nothing more."   
  
Cynthia couldn't help but be a bit relieved. She felt somewhat protective of Shana and knew how vulnerable the other woman was, especially during that time. She was also proud that Shana kept her wits about her and didn't succumb to her fear and try and forget about it by engaging in cheap sex. "All of it? That's a big step for you, isn't it? How did you feel with him there?"  
  
"Yeah. I don't even know why I did it. But I never realized how hard it was for him, to find me like that. And something about him makes him easy to talk to."  
  
"That's good though. You need to be able to get it out and have more people you can be honest with. How is he dealing with it?"  
  
Shana wrinkled her nose. "This is the part where I didn't do so well." She paused, sighing and then continuing, "In the morning I got cold and practically threw him out."  
  
"Why did you do that?"   
  
"I didn't want to be weak. I didn't want to be pitied. I knew after I told him the story he would."  
  
More pencil scritching from Cynthia, "Did you give him a chance?" Shana shook her head and the therapist continued, "You know this is something you are trying to work on. You can't push all your support system away Shana, you have to let them help you."  
  
"I know. It's just so hard to not get scared when I open up to someone." Her hand dropped down to Chevy's fur and she petted him, the movement giving her reassurance.  
  
"It is scary. You make yourself vulnerable. And you are scared of being vulnerable again. But you have to keep working on trying to do it, you can do it Shana, I know you can. You are afraid as being seen as weak, though I know that most people, if they were asked about you, would say you were one of the strongest people they'd ever met."  
  
A faint blush rose to her cheeks with the praise, "Thank you. Any suggestions on how I can fix this?"  
  
"Maybe write him a letter on base. You two are only friends?" Even though she couldn't see, Shana could feel the weight of Cynthia's eyes on her.  
  
"We are. I used to have a crush on him...Ok. I still do a little." She sounded sheepish at she admitted the truth to her therapist.  
  
"Well, just work on rebuilding your friendship Shana. You need to concentrate on you more than anything else, ok? I'm proud of you for doing so well with your anniversary," Cynthia gave her a big hug, "Now, stop driving off everyone who wants to be your friend, ok? But please don't rush into a sexual relationship to prove anything."  
  
Shana gave a sharp salute, "Yes ma'am!" She grinned and headed back with Chevy towards her apartment. 


	6. VI

Thanks for continuing to read and review. Hope you like the latest installment. :)  
  
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"With every mistake we must surely be learning" Beatles - "While My Guitar Gently Weeps"  
  
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It had been three days since her anniversary, two days since she had hastily thrown Conrad out of her apartment. She didn't have his number and didn't want to call to the base to try and find him that way. Anyway, he probably didn't want to hear from her again. She was the psycho-moody-pitiful creature that had to be treated with kid gloves. But she wanted him to call, more than she wanted to admit.   
  
She got up in the morning, threw on a pair of sweats and took her cane to grab some bagels at the deli a couple of doors down. It was funny, Chevy was definitely a night-dog. He hated waking up early and tried to stay nestled in his dog bed for as long as she would allow. So when she got up for breakfast, she let her strange dog nap. She let her long cane guide her out of the apartment and onto the street with ease. No streets to cross to get to the deli, so it was a very easy and pleasant walk. She had really grown to love the constant bustle of New York. It was never quiet there; even though her eyes couldn't see the people passing, she could always hear them and it helped to remind her that she was never alone.   
  
Except for when she was alone and no one could help her and she couldn't get up and all she could think about was the crinkle of black plastic. She shuddered and paused, leaning against the wall, having lost her breath and almost any desire for breakfast with that little flashback. No one paid her any attention; this was New York after all. She squeezed her eyes closed and tried to get the sounds out of her head, the smell of her own burning flesh and fluids, the intense fear that engulfed her. She fought, her hands balled into fists, trying to regain control over her mind through a force of will.  
  
She didn't know how long she stood there, leaning on the wall and her cane for support, before she heard a breathless voice call her name from a distance, across the street perhaps. She straightened herself, trying to hear the voice better, determine whether it was friendly or hostile and where it was coming from.  
  
"Shana! Are you alright?" It was Conrad, she could hear it clearly, as clearly as she could hear the concern in his voice.  
  
She opened her mouth to rudely tell him off to cover her own fear, and then closed it again, trying to follow through on what her therapist had spoken to her about. When she still didn't respond, she could hear his movements as he moved to look behind her to check for wounds or threats and she assumed he then started scanning the environment for something wrong.   
  
"Shana?" Now his voice was a little unsure, wondering if perhaps his presence was causing her continued troubles. "I was out doing PT. I saw you and thought you were in trouble..." He trailed off and she could hear that he turned his head away from her at the end.  
  
A moment more, then she found her voice; as weak as it was, it was better than nothing. "It's not your fault." She let out a deep breath slowly. "I'm sorry." Now she was just whispering, berating herself internally for her fear and weakness, more so for showing it to someone who knew her. Part of her mind tried to reason that it was normal and Conrad would understand, but that other part had so much more power, she had given it free reign for too long. She turned abruptly and starting almost running back to her apartment, not the wisest idea considering she was only caning.  
  
Fate perhaps had pity on her and all obstacles were either detected or moved themselves out of the way as she plunged headlong down the sidewalk. She arrived back at her apartment, fishing out her keys to retreat to the safety of her haven. "Shana...Wait. Please?" Conrad still. Of course, who really thought that she could outrun him; that had been a stupid idea.   
  
Her hand hesitated as it turned the key. She stepped in without saying anything, but held the door open so he could follow her in. She felt the resistance of the door lessen as he took it and walked in, staying silent for now at least. She unlocked the door to her apartment and let him enter first, closing the door and engaging the many locks carefully. With the door closed the silence was broken as they spoke at the same time, "I'm sorry."  
  
"No Shana," Conrad's voice overrode her attempt at an apology, "I'm sorry about the other night. It was inappropriate and I wasn't trying to take advantage of you or anything like that. I just...I wanted to make it better. I'm sorry for making it worse."  
  
Shana set her cane down, scratching Chevy's ears as he padded up to greet her. "Don't be. I wasn't mad about that. I should be thanking you for that. I needed the sleep - without the nightmares." She retreated to the kitchen to get two glasses of water. "I just don't like to be seen as weak."  
  
She didn't expect to hear the chuckle from Conrad after she said that. "You are not weak Shana. You may have weaknesses, but so does everyone else. I just could never picture you as weak." Another chuckle as he took the glass from her.  
  
She smiled tentatively, "Really? Or are you just saying that to make me feel better?" She winked conspiratorially, which was an eerie gesture considering the faux eyes. "By the way, it is working." They moved to sit down on the couch together so they could more easily talk.  
  
She felt a hand move slowly over her own, giving it a gentle squeeze then quickly retreating, "I mean it Shana. The fact that you are alive at all and living just like you were before is amazing." She heard sincerity in his voice, but she bristled anyway, feeling suddenly like the cute little puppy that learned to roll over.  
  
Her voice hardened a bit, "It's not a big deal." She bit back the urge to say something sharp to him as well, trying to reign in her hostility as best she could.  
  
There was a pause, "It is a big deal and could you for just for a little while talk to me without trying to prove you are superwoman or something?"  
  
Defensive about her behavior, she quickly countered, "Well, can you stop feeling sorry for me and thinking of me as some stupid cripple?"  
  
"I don't feel sorry for you Shana. Correction, I am sorry that you had to go through what you did. I am sorry that the recovery has made you feel like you have something to prove to everyone. I am sorry that I don't get to see you every day at work. But you seem to have bounced back and made a new life for yourself, something I'm not sure I could do if I went through what you did." She tried to think of a way to counter his words and could feel a blush rising to her cheeks at the praise. His voice dropped a little, softening the impact of his next words, "You have nothing to prove to me or anyone else. Just yourself and I think you are doing a damn fine job of it from my perspective."  
  
She mumbled, "Thank you." She tried to accept his words at face value. She was so used to looking for insults, patronizing tones and condescension, she was having a hard time just believing him. Another pause and she took a small step to trusting him, "Flashbacks. I still get them. I'm fine then...I'm not."   
  
"I was worried about you. What kind of protection do you have out here?" She could hear the concern, and amazingly, not pity, just the same concern he always had for his friends. "Cobra is still out there."  
  
She shivered and a small muscle below her right eye twitched, "I know. HE is still out there. I think that contributes to my panic attacks sometimes." She shrugged it off, "But, as for protection, not too much besides flying under the radar. That and myself." She smiled slyly as she spoke, "I was a fair blind fighter before. I've improved a lot." She spoke with more confidence than she felt; it was one thing to spar and train, another to be in an attack situation with stress. She wasn't sure she could withstand that again.   
  
He chuckled seeing her smile, sensing a bit of her apprehension about a combat situation, but also having a lot of faith in her instincts. "Likely the flying under the radar will be the most effective. You'll always be one of the team, so we'll always be around if you ever need us." He reached over touched her shoulder gently to punctuate the sentiment.  
  
Shana nodded with a faint smile, "Thank you, that's nice of you to say, especially after the hell I put a lot of you through afterwards."  
  
"Forget about it. I think everyone understands and I know they don't hold a grudge. You should come back and visit sometimes. I think you'd be surprised how happy everyone would be to see you. Especially Allie."  
  
"Maybe," she said non-committally. "I'll think about it."  
  
"Please do. I have to go back to base tomorrow, if you want to come with me for a visit, it could be arranged." She liked the sincerity in his tone and again felt surprised and relieved that he seemed to be talking to just Shana, not the Blind Woman. The Blind Woman had to be coddled and tiptoed around, she had to be helped with everything she did in her life because she was incapable, from making her own food to making her own friends. Shana hated the Blind Woman and hated when anyone treated her like she was that cripple. "I bet Chevalier would have a ball with Junkyard and Timber if you gave him the time off." She grinned at that thought and knew he was too.  
  
She inhaled deeply, "Alright. You convinced me. If it isn't a bother, I'm come over and visit for a couple of hours."  
  
She was unexpectedly wrapped into a tender hug, "I'm glad Shana, you won't regret it."  
  
Despite her shock at the hug, she responded in kind, inhaling lightly the scent of his cologne, enjoying the feel of his arms around her again. She didn't want to admit how much that night they slept with him holding her had really awakened her need for physical contact again. She realized how painfully lonely she was much of the time, despite Chevy's best attempts at comfort. "I hope not. If I do, I'm blaming you." She smiled as she felt the low chuckle rumbling in Conrad's chest.   
  
They spent the rest of the day just talking like normal people, chatting and rekindling their friendship. In the back of her head though, Shana was worried about the coming trip to base. Most people she trusted Conrad's estimation that they would welcome her back, but she hadn't spoke to Snake Eyes since leaving the hospital. She prayed for strength to get through the confrontation she was fairly certain was coming. 


	7. VII

Lucky number seven :)  
  
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"I would like to reach out my little hand" Rusted Root "Send Me on My Way"  
  
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Shana was worried, and a tad bit obsessed; she could admit it to herself. Conrad hadn't called since he had left her apartment again four days ago. She had spoken to her therapist about the supposed trip back to base and her therapist thought it would be a good idea. And now, she was waiting for the phone to ring. She couldn't call the base to look for him, she just couldn't. She hated how she jumped every time the phone rang or she heard faint footsteps in the hall, her heart jumping and hoping it was him. She felt like she was some little girl waiting for a boy to ask her to prom.  
  
But she and Conrad were just friends and she was going to keep it that way - it would be way too complicated any other way. And yet she couldn't stop herself from thinking about him entirely too much. The way his arms felt around her the night he stayed, his strong biceps and the smile when she touched his face. Too quickly the visual memories were fading, being replaced in her mind with made up visualizations in bright colors.   
  
She thought though that they had really reconnected and rekindled their friendship, they were laughing and talking just like they used to, it was wonderful. It was the first time she had really done that with any of her military buddies. It was sometimes easier for the civilians who knew her to adjust, because being physically strong wasn't so much a part of their life. But it was like sometimes the military personnel thought either her injury or the bad luck that led to it was catching.   
  
She pressed the button on the phone anxiously, hearing a dial tone and confirming to herself that the phone was working for the umpteenth time that day. The other thoughts that haunted her and were the ones that kept her up at night were that she had finally reconnected with a friend, but he got sent out on a mission and hurt or killed. She realized miserably that no one would bother to inform her, they'd have no way to know that she had started spending time with him again.   
  
Her mind went over a million and one unpleasant possibilities, some involving Conrad's demise or dismemberment, other involving how she was now the resident joke at the base, he'd just been here out of pity and to get good dirt, and once gotten, he dropped her like a hot potato.  
  
The intrusive thoughts bothered her more than she wanted to admit, she had a real problem with anxiety and near obsessive compulsive tendencies since her physical recovery and it was difficult for her to prevent this from becoming yet another focal point for self-destructive thoughts. She took a deep breath, whistling for Chevy and walking out to her mailbox to pick up the mail and try and keep her mind off her most current crisis.  
  
She always thought reading envelopes was interesting since losing her sight. Once she learned to read Braille, her fingers were much more adept at picking up subtle nuances in all things and whenever she got a letter addressed to her in Braille, she could always feel the light impression of the pen that was used to write the address on the front so the post office could read it. Anything without Braille though went directly to the trash. All her bills were either Braille or done electronically. She wasn't going to hassle with getting someone to help her pay her bills.  
  
She was pleasantly surprised to receive three Braille items this day; one from her father, one from her roommate when she got Chevy and one without a return address. She hurried back to her apartment to read in safety, sitting on the couch and fingering the letters. The first two were just general concerns that she was still doing ok. She appreciated the concern but was a little annoyed with the approach. They both pretended like they didn't know that her anniversary was last week and tried to sound too light and cheerful; it ended up seeming forced. But they both meant well, so she supposed that she couldn't get too annoyed.  
  
The last one that she thought had no return address she realized did have one, but it was written only. Interesting. She sliced the top open and slowly ran her fingers across the raised dots. A beautiful smile bloomed onto her face as she read the short message.   
  
"Dear Shana,  
  
Sorry I couldn't call. Opsec needed, but I will call when I can. Thank you again for the week, see you soon.   
  
-C"  
  
It explained why he hadn't called, her line wasn't secured but more importantly, it was in Braille. She fingered the paper, it felt just like the paper that her father and friend had "typed" on, which meant he wasn't using an automatic Braille converter. He had to understand how to do it otherwise. How and when did he learn about that? Why didn't he tell her? She couldn't help the pleased smile that came to her face though when she realized he learned it for her.   
  
::::::::::::::::::::::::  
  
It was actually another three weeks before Shana was able to connect with Conrad again. He had written twice and emailed her once during that time, but she was antsy to hear his voice again. She began to wonder though what she was doing, because she couldn't deny that she was infatuated with him, but it just couldn't be a good idea. His military life would be hell on any sort of relationship outside the team; she knew that firsthand. And then there were her deep-seated mental issues and those were impressive reasons to not try to get involved with anymore, much less one of the people who was connected with the main reason she had so many issues.  
  
Logically, it shouldn't happen, couldn't. Her heart though flip-flopped nervously when he called finally and her stomach felt like she had been turning in circles for hours. She willed herself to sound calm and collected when they spoke and made arrangements for her to visit, not letting on how much she was looking forward to feeling his arms around her again, even if it was just for a quick hug.   
  
She really wished she could roll her eyes at that moment. She sounded like a love-struck teenager, not who she was at all. And, the reality of the meeting washed over her, realizing that Conrad wouldn't be the only person she'd be seeing there, that she had a lot of bridges to repair, including with Allie. And she shuddered to think about Snake Eyes being there. Perhaps she would luck out and he'd be off on a mission or at his cabin brooding and being moody; he was good at that.   
  
She was going to stay overnight, so she packed a light bag, a lot lighter than she used to pack. She didn't want too many options for clothing because she had to be very careful about that now. When she was home, she had everything arranged by outfits and colors, done with the help of sighted friends. And if she was ever in doubt, she had a color picker, which was a small device that could read the basic colors of things. It wasn't great for shades, but it did help her when she was done with the laundry whether the shirt was black or green.   
  
She kept everything very casual and packed a few things for Chevy, though she was fairly certain he would be having the time of his life on base, with the other working dogs to be with. It was strange how working dogs tended to gravitate towards the like; it was like pets made him nervous. She supposed that maybe it did. When she was in the military, it was hard to be around civilians because they just didn't understand what you were dealing with.   
  
She packed her notetaker and laptop, essential items for her. The notetaker could either input into her computer, or print out Braille notes. It had a voice read back so she'd know where she was and what she'd written. It was very similar to what her dad and friend used to write to her, and apparently Conrad as well. Not anything like a normal computer or keyboard, notetakers are based on a chorded system of typing that takes a while to get used to, especially if you can't easily tell if you are making mistakes. The paper is lighter weight than "real" Braille paper and is less hardy, but for small things, it's very handy. That he wrote it fairly well meant he'd been practicing.  
  
Snake Eyes kept creeping into her pleasant thoughts of Conrad though. She was still so angry with him because he had tried to dictate what her reaction should be to the whole thing. He had been supportive at first, but when she was dealing with the psychological fallout, he couldn't take the heat. He thought she should shake it off like he had, of course, she was helpful in reminding him in how messed up he was, pulling his sister into the discussion. He walked out on her when she did that. Maybe she deserved it, but so did he. Bottom line, he was the dark, broody one with issues in their relationship, it wouldn't work with both of them like that.  
  
The communication thing was so rough. They had to either use a human or computer voice translator since Snakes couldn't speak and she couldn't see his signing. You can't tell tone easily that way, and she had grown to hate the monotone of computer voice. They avoided talking anyway, since they were fighting most of the time. Snakes had never been very interested in figuring out some other way for them to communicate and so she hadn't bothered to find out either.   
  
She finished packing her things, felt for what time it was and realized that her ride would be there to pick her up at any moment. She shouldered her bag, grabbed her long cane and Chevy's leash and was just about to step outside to go to the street to wait when the buzzer rang, announcing her ride. She went to the intercom and told him she'd be right there, then locked her apartment up securely and steeled herself for the trip back to base. 


	8. VIII

"Wise men say only fools rush in" Elvis Presley "Can't Help Falling in Love"  
  
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Shana opened the door to her building cautiously, her grip tight on Chevy's harness. She could smell the fresh exhaust and hear a car idling, but didn't leave the security of her doorframe quite yet. "Hello?" She took a step back as she flashed back to after her vehicle exploded and being sure that it was friend to come and save her. The pain and fuzziness only clearing enough to realize it was Bludd, not a teammate and he was there to take her away. She took deep breaths slowly, hearing someone speaking in the background. "What?" She should have given Duke a code word or something if it wasn't going to be a regular member of the team picking her up. How did she know this was truly the person who was going to be driving her?  
  
"Miss O'Hara?" His voice sounded nervous and unsure, just adding to her stress. She would lay money that this kid was barely out of high school. "Are you ok?" He was definitely staring now, she was sure of it. He'll be telling all his little greenshirt friends about how she had broken down without even getting in the car.   
  
Breathing shallowly, she gathered as much courage as she could and nodded, "Fine. Do you have ID?" She thought of a constructive way to deal with her paranoia, prove that it was who it was supposed to be. She realized of course that she couldn't see the ID, but she could call a neighbor out to verify things. She was very surprised when he handed her not only a laminated card, but also a folded piece of paper. It felt like it had been crumpled at one point and she opened it curiously. When she realized what it was, she laughed out loud and it helped to banish her anxiety attack. It was a previous draft of Conrad's first letter to her, filled with typos. She chuckled and nodded, "Good enough young man." She handed him back the card and got into the humvee with Chevy, letting him take her bags.  
  
::::::::::::::::::::::::::  
  
The trip passed fairly quickly. Mike, her escort, was as young as she thought, but a nice enough kid. He was a little intimidated by her and she found that both amusing and comforting. He was from Mississippi, so she could relate to a lot of his southern upbringing. It really helped to kill her anxiety and pass the time. It seemed like no time at all before she heard the window rolling down and a gruff voice asking for identification. She passed hers over as well; she kept her military identification with her most of the time still. She wondered suddenly what color her card was; they changed them according to status and she never thought to ask. She was too embarrassed to ask Mike about it, making a mental note to bring it up to Conrad later.  
  
They passed the security check and she carefully replaced the card where it was supposed to go in her wallet and accepted the visitor tag, pinning it on her lapel. The car began to move again, more cautiously than anyone she ever knew on base. When it stopped again, she gripped her purse tightly, "Are we here?"  
  
"Yeah, if you want I can leave your stuff here and bring it to your quarters later. I'll take you to Duke's office before that if you want." Mike was trying to be friendly but she couldn't help the bristle at his words. She had lived here for years, she could find her way around on her own.  
  
"If you don't mind, I think I remember how to get there myself, it would be great if you could take my stuff right to my room." She waited through the pause as he tried to decide which way he'd be in trouble more, smirking when he sighed and opened the back to grab her duffel. Smart kid; don't piss off the one who's right in front of you. She got out with Chevy and breathed in deeply, smelling the oil and fuel coming from the garages and hangers, an oddly comforting smell to her.  
  
"I'll meet you at Duke's office to show you where you'll be staying, ok?" She nodded to his words, then took Chevy's harness and started walking towards the building.   
  
After you lose a sense, it's not that the others become better, it's just you rely on them more. There's a difference in the sound and feel of air as you get closer to a wall, something she never bothered or needed to notice. She knew Chevy would lead her to the door and although she didn't know where she would be starting, she felt she could find her way around well enough. More importantly, she needed to get a feel for the place on her own. Get her confidence that she could find her way around. There would be plenty of time for guided tours later.  
  
She made her way through the hallways, feeling the familiarity of the walls and the different scents that helped to map where she was. It smelled good; Roadblock must be in the mess. She used the chow hall as a landmark to help her find her way through the hallways. She was a little puzzled though, usually the hallways were bustling with activity and people and she hadn't run into anyone yet. She felt the familiar touch of fear and quickly hurried to Conrad's office, wanting to find someone in this complex.  
  
She finally arrived at what she was reasonably sure was Duke's office, knocking and feeling a piece of paper under her knuckles. She touched it, feeling Braille and smiled a little. It was a note for her: "I'm in a meeting with Hawk in the conference three doors down. When you get in, please feel free to interrupt." Taking the note down, she followed the instructions and traced her fingers along the wall, counting the doors. She knocked softly when she reached the third door.   
  
"Come on in," Conrad's voice carried through the door. She opened it and walked in, suddenly feeling claustrophobic. The room seemed warmer than it should, and just closer. Chevy hung back a little, like he was unsure of the situation. Conrad's soft voice came to her, she could feel his heat as he moved closer, "Don't be scared. Everyone is just here to see you." She relaxed a bit and gave him a relieved smile, glad that he could tell she was uneasy.   
  
"Hi..." She held her hand up in a half-hearted wave, really not sure of what to say. She wanted to just walk out and not deal with it, but that's not why she was here. She could do this. She was strong enough to do this.  
  
Twenty long seconds passed, then she heard Allie's voice call out, "Group hug!" She smiled weakly and felt Conrad touch her elbow to make sure it wasn't going to freak her out and she nodded to him imperceptibly to let him know she was alright and suddenly she was swept into the mass of hugging that was her former teammates.   
  
She head their different voices greet her and the unease she had about coming back was washed away. Although things had been rough when she left, time heals all wounds and she was still part of their family. "Thank you everyone, I've missed you all too. But I'm going to be crushed in a second and that would really piss my dog off," she said with a laugh and pushed away the anger that came when it was an immediate backing off, as if they were afraid she were a china doll. 'They were just being careful and she had said she was being crushed,' she thought, 'but before, if I had said that, they'd just pile on higher.' Thoughts like that did no good though, so she brushed it away. "Did you miss me?"  
  
"We all did Shana," Allie spoke with more of a serious tone. "You've been away too long." Allie hugged her individually, speaking just loud enough for Shana to hear, "I should have called. I'm sorry, I was a crappy friend dealing with it all."  
  
Shana brushed off her concerns, "Don't stress over it. Phone works both ways and all that. What's important now is that we're all here together and Roadblock is cooking from the smells coming from the mess!"  
  
A chorus of cheers went up and Shipwreck added in, "You should see the cake he made! It -" He cut off as the room got silent around him. Shana arched a brow in Conrad's direction and she could hear him smother a laugh inside of a cough.  
  
"Guys. You can use the 's' words, see, saw and so forth. And I'd love to see it, but I doubt everyone would like me running my hands over their piece." She chuckled, trying to put everyone at ease. She heard some strained laughter from the audience and sighed, figuring them for a lost cause except for time.   
  
"We can all enjoy the wonderful food soon enough, but there's still a little time left in the workday, let's get it wrapped up, while I show the lovely lady her quarters." Duke's voice was firm but friendly. She heard a slight rustle of paper near him as people filed out, grumbling good-naturedly. When they were gone, he said to her, "Snake Eyes wants to see you while you are here."  
  
She nodded numbly; he had been here too. How could she have missed that? "Alright," she said with a sigh. "But first, make good on that promise to show a lady her quarters."  
  
"But of course, my arm is here if you need it." She didn't need it, but took it anyway and he led her to where she would be staying during her visit.  
  
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::  
  
Duke was back in his office trying to sit still and finish his work like he ordered everyone else to do. He had shown Shana to her room, and then let her clean up and go and meet with Snake Eyes alone. He didn't like it, he felt protective of her and he knew she had been hurt by the ninja before and it frustrated him that he couldn't be there to make sure Snakes wasn't an ass.   
  
He got up, pacing around, trying to get the anxiousness out of his system. He heard a knock on the door and then Flint popped his head in. "Got a second, Top?"  
  
Conrad nodded and waved him in, stopping his pacing to lean against his desk, "What's up Flint?"   
  
A tight smirk appeared on Flint's face, "Well, I was coming here to ask you that." Duke arched a brow at him, waiting for him to go on without amusement. "With Shana. You two seemed...Close."  
  
Duke shrugged uncomfortably, "We've gotten close again. We used to be great friends before she left."  
  
"Yeah...?" Flint clearly wanted more. "This looks a little beyond friendship. I saw the look on your face when she came in, and how you knew she was freaked out. Not to mention your expression when Snakes gave you the message that he wanted to chat with her."  
  
"So? She's a good person who's been through a lot, she deserves to get a break once in a while." He tried to stay nonchalant.   
  
"Riiiight." Flint rolled his eyes then gave a quick wink, "I'd head over to the infirmary then."  
  
"Infirmary? What?" He couldn't help the hand of fear that squeezed his heart, afraid of Shana getting hurt.  
  
Flint sighed patiently, "To remove your head from your ass, then perhaps they'll give you the antidote to cupid's arrow." He grinned and ducked out of the room before Conrad could really react.  
  
Duke was left alone in his office, sitting back down at his desk and putting his hands over his face. He wondered just what exactly was happening to him, and whether or not he wanted it to be anything more than friendship, and most importantly, was that something she would be interested in as well. 


	9. IX

There's more swearing in this chapter, so those with delicate ears might feel like skipping this one. :D Thanks for continuing to read and review. :)  
  
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"What else should I be? All apologies." Nirvana "All Apologies"  
  
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Shana took a quick shower, braiding her hair while it was still wet. She changed into a pair of chinos and a t-shirt. She thought she brought a green one but was too lazy to find out for sure. Her hand absently smoothed her hair, always paranoid about it standing up or looking odd. She scritched Chevy behind his ears, "You be good here boy. Ok?" She didn't want Chevy around, especially if it didn't go well. She grabbed her cane and stepped out. She felt more comfortable here because she was in such an enclosed and secure location.   
  
Finding Snake Eyes' room took longer than she wanted to admit, because it took her a while to reorient herself from her new location. She was used to going to his room from her old room that she shared with Jaye, not from the visiting officer's quarters. After a bit of wandering, she figured out where she was going and spent the few remaining moments before arriving on steeling herself for what was bound to be a painful and awkward.  
  
She knocked at the door and felt the whoosh of air as it opened. He touched her elbow and slid it down to her wrist, the motion clearly inviting her in. She stepped into his room, closing the door behind her, the waiting for him to figure out what he was going to do. She wanted to drag this out so he could realize how stupid this was. She finally felt him take her hand and put it palm to palm with his own while he waved 'hello'.  
  
Annoyance sprang to the surface immediately, "I can't do touch signing. You'll have to do better than that. Turn the damn computer on." He always wanted her to learn how to read sign by having her hands over his but it was just too complicated for her. She heard his computer whir to life and the slow clicking of keys.  
  
"I've missed you Shana," a monotone computer voice read. She shuddered; the voice was like nails on a chalkboard to her. It was terrible to try and hold a conversation with a computer generated voice.  
  
"What do you want Snakes?" She sighed heavily. This was a bad idea. She heard more typing and she taunted him, "You'd think with being a ninja and all that dexterity you could type more than a couple words a minute." She smirked at him.  
  
"I wanted to know how you were. It's been years." As the voice spoke, she felt his left hand slide onto her waist and his right to gently caress her cheek.   
  
She took a startled step back, incredulity in her tone, "You have got to be kidding me." She removed his hands. She heard him return to typing.  
  
"Shana, it's not that big of a deal, we used to be close."  
  
"Used to. Operative phrase. The past couple years I've not seen hide nor hair of you."  
  
"I was giving you space." The digital monotone droned on as he tried to keep up with his typing and the conversation at hand.  
  
"Sure you were. You were giving yourself space. Do you really think you can waltz right back into my life and I'll welcome you with open arms and bed?" Her tone was disgusted, knowing she had done as much before, but she had grown a lot since then. "You might have been able to get away with that shit before, but not anymore."  
  
The computer tried to interrupt her, "You certainly seemed to with Duke."   
  
She gaped at him, "You bastard. You did not just insinuate that."  
  
She paced angrily listening to him type; it was frustrating to pace in his room though since she wasn't familiar with it so couldn't go very far. Finally, the speakers came to life again, the words being read sounding oddly comical when recited instead of spoken. "I know he went to visit you. I know he stayed with you. Did you start screwing him the first night?"  
  
Jaw clenched, she stopped and listened to the room, listened for his breathing. She took a moment to center herself and then quickly struck, punching him squarely. "You controlling, stalking, asshole psychopath. I do not have to listen to your petty jealousy." She took her cane and tapped gently to the door. She put her hand on the handle, when she felt Snakes' hand over hers. She tried jerking away but he held her fast and she could feel him obviously sign an apology. She finally ripped her hand out of his. "You are sorry. You are a very sorry individual."   
  
He moved to the computer quickly and she waited for his message before walking out. "I know it was uncalled for. When it comes to you though I tend to go a little crazy."   
  
She moved her head towards his presence, hoping her eyes were meeting his. "You don't have a right to get crazy when it comes to me. We're over, never to be resurrected. We can't get through a conversation without antagonizing each other, what would possess you to think there was any hope for anything else anymore?"   
  
This time her hands were placed more gently on top of Snakes' hands, him signing to her, eschewing technology, "Because I still love you."   
  
She shook her head sadly, "No, you don't Snake Eyes. If you spent a little more time looking objectively at things that have happened in the last four years, you'd know. You don't even know who I am anymore. I'm sorry." She took her hands off of his and went back to the door and walked out; he didn't try and stop her again.  
  
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::  
  
Shana sat in her quarters later, hands still shaking and right hand a bit sore from punching Snake Eyes. It was definitely worth it though, he had some nerve. She wondered if he just found out through the grapevine that Duke had stayed or whether he had been watching her apartment. The latter pissed her off, not just because of the stalking, but the fact he would do surveillance on her but wouldn't make an attempt to visit.  
  
More disturbing were the insinuations and her reaction to them. She hadn't done anything with Conrad to begin with, but she wanted to. God how she wanted to sometimes. Now though, she was more hesitant, afraid her feelings were too obvious and if Conrad wasn't interested, she would lose her new friendship. After all, it was friendship she was supposed to be concentrating on. She also had to consider that Snakes and Conrad work together and if he's going to be an asshole about it, it's probably not going to be worth it for the trouble it would cause the team.  
  
She smoothed her hair again, laughing at herself quietly. She was way ahead of herself. She was already planning for how Snakes would react to her seeing Conrad like it was an eventuality. A good sign though that she did need to start dating so she could calm down about all of this sort of stuff and not be ready to marry the first semi-decent man she meets. Finding someone though was sometimes easier said than done.   
  
Her thoughts drifted back to Snake Eyes. He needed someone in his life; he needed something in his life. He had more issues than Mad Magazine and he enjoyed being the dark brooding one. She knew though that sometimes he thought about a different life, one where he wasn't always fighting and killing and just living like a normal person. But he would never take the steps to become that person; that was too much work and pain to go through for a non-immediate pay out. She'd have to try and smooth things over with him later. Maybe use someone as a translator so she didn't have to hear that damn computer voice. She really wouldn't mind trying to stay friends with him, if he could take those steps away from her.  
  
A knock sounded at the door and then Conrad's familiar deep voice, "Shana? You there?"   
  
"Yeah. Come on in, it's unlocked." She didn't bother getting up from where she sat with Chevy curled up on her. Stupid dog thought he was a lapdog.  
  
He walked in, shutting the door behind him. She heard him sit down in a nearby chair. "You alright?"  
  
She smirked, "Gossip train moves quickly." She paused, and then said, "Did you tell anyone here you stayed the night at my place?" She didn't think he would, but she had to know.  
  
He sounded bewildered as he answered, "No, why?"   
  
She shrugged, "Just curious. Yeah. I'm fine. Have you seen him?"  
  
"He's in the gym, beating the hell out of anyone who will stand still long enough to spar with him. I will assume it didn't go well."  
  
Shana chuckled, "Went fine for me. I even punched him."  
  
"What?!"   
  
"He was being an asshole. Trust me, he deserved it. I doubt I did any permanent damage."   
  
Conrad didn't ask what exactly happened to spur her to hit him, but he guessed that it tied into her asking if he had told people about staying with her. "Well, as long as you are ok..." He trailed off, feeling awkward in the middle.  
  
"Better than I have been in a while. I let him walk over me for too long. Funny how it takes being blind to really see sometimes." She gave a rueful smile and she heard him stand and then felt his lips press against her forehead, lingering there for what seemed like an eternity. She knew it was a fatherly gesture, but the girl with a crush inside of her was still excited about it.  
  
"I'm glad you are ok." His voice was soft and husky and she wished she could see the expression on it. She went for the second best thing, bringing her hand up to touch his face lightly and read it that way. "What are you doing?" His tone hadn't changed at all and it sent sparks of electricity through her.  
  
"I wanted to see your expression. Sorry." She began to draw her hand away, but he took his hand, placing it over hers.  
  
"It's alright. I was just curious." She let her hand trail down his face to his neck and chest before withdrawing completely. He tried to think of something else to say to her but couldn't, now wasn't the right time. He straightened back up fully and spoke in his more normal voice, "You ready to go to dinner?"  
  
The moment over, she sighed just a little and nodded. "Sounds great. Roadblock's cooking, right?" She stood, taking Chevy's harness and then Duke's arm.   
  
"Lead the way." 


	10. X

=====================================  
  
"and you leave on your own, and you go home, and you cry, and you want to die" - The Smiths "How Soon Is Now?"  
  
----------------------------------  
  
Shana smiled, full as a tick after Roadblock's impressive feast, "My compliments to the chef. This was just fabulous."  
  
"Thank you thank you Red, I'm so glad you are here to be fed." A round of groans came from the bad rhyming.   
  
She half-listened as everyone spoke and joked. It was weird, she was a part of them and yet she was so separate now. None of them really understood what she had gone through and they were living such different lives now. Not for the first time, she wondered what it would have been like if the whole thing hadn't happened. Would she be married now? That thought hurt more than she wanted to admit. She always imagined that some day she'd settle down and have children, but that was out of the picture now she figured. It was possible, but unlikely. She had a hard enough time dealing with herself, without throwing in a husband and child.  
  
She wondered if perhaps she belonged with Snake Eyes. They were both wounded freaks and no one else would put up with either of them for very long. Maybe he was right, she was just being a baby about all of it. It wasn't that big of a deal. If she could convince herself of the truth of that she'd be a lot better off. She was jostled roughly suddenly.  
  
"Penny for your thoughts?" The rough voice of Shipwreck came to her, she shook her head to communicate that she didn't want to talk about it. "You look great Red. I've missed seeing that ass around here."   
  
She couldn't help but chuckle at the sailor's crude attitude. If he was any other way, he just wouldn't be Shipwreck. "Thanks. I miss seeing it around too." Silence greeted her grin and that quickly faded and she heard the conversations die away as they stared at her. She sighed in frustration and pushed her tray away, grabbing for her cane.   
  
"Guys, she was making a joke. She wasn't pissed." Duke's explanation brought a measure of relief. At least he understood and was getting past it. Everyone else had started talking, but she could tell they were trying to be careful about their speech again and walking on eggshells. Her hand connected with her cane and she took it, standing up.  
  
"Sorry everyone, I'm going to head to my quarters for a rest, it's been a long day." She was soon overwhelmed by a crush of bodies pressing themselves to her, giving her a group hug. After that was done, she felt a light tap on her elbow. She could already tell it was Conrad by the way he touched her and the faint smell of his aftershave or colonge. She allowed him to lead her back to where she was staying.  
  
"You oriented? I'm just down the hall if you need anything." He sounded concerned, but not overly paranoid, same as you would expect him to treat any guest who could get lost in the hallways.   
  
"Yep. Thanks. I appreciate all you are doing for me." She hugged him, his arms tight around her. She could smell the cologne more clearly with her face buried in his neck and she felt like she could stay like that forever.   
  
"It's nothing Shana. I'm just happy to see you again." His lips brushed her cheeks lightly as they pulled away from each other and she entered her quarters, changing into a pair of shorts and a tank and laying down to try and get some sleep.  
  
---------------------------------------  
  
Hours later it seemed, Shana was still tossing and turning as she dozed fitfully. She was uneasy in the unfamiliar room with unfamiliar sounds, plus the fear of nightmares in a strange place and embarrassing herself with them. Chevalier was the only thing seeming right to her, his furry body radiating heat. She buried her head into his side for a moment, hugging him and using him like an oversized teddy bear. She then carefully got up, slipping her feet into a pair of shoes and reaching for the door, hearing the jingle of tags as her dog got up and stood at heel next to her. She scratched his ears, "Hey boy, you don't have to come with me if you don't want. You can sleep." A soft whine and a gentle nudge with a wet nose assured her that he did want to go with her wherever it was she was going. She supposed it was just as scary for him here as it was for her.  
  
She made sure that she had her keycard and exited the room. Listening carefully, Shana tried to determine if anyone else was up or what time it was. She hadn't brought her clock with her and had taken off her watch before bed. She supposed she could just get it, but that wasn't as much fun as exploring. Anyway, she was fairly certain the time would only depress her because she wished she could be curled up and off in a pleasant dreamworld. She couldn't hear anyone, likely they were all asleep like she should be.   
  
"You remember how to get to the common room, boy?" She hated how unsure she felt in her surroundings. She wouldn't even have the smells of cooking to guide her. She pondered for a moment then headed in the direction that would take her past Conrad's door. She tried to convince herself it was just because she thought it was the right way to go, but not even the dog was buying it. He was asleep she was sure, but she felt she had to follow through on her childish mission, once begun.   
  
To her surprise, when she neared the door, she heard the sounds of a TV through the wood. She hesitated in front of the door, trying to think of a good reason to knock. She was horrified when she heard Chevy scratching on the door. She yanked on his harness hissing an admonishment to him and already fleeing. She wasn't too far down the hallway though when she heard a door open and a curious voice call out, "Shana? You ok?"  
  
Her shoulders slumped and she whispered angrily to the dog, "You should know to keep your paws to yourself." She turned around, putting a smile onto her face and chuckling uneasily, "Yeah, fine. I was looking for the rec room and got a little turned around. I guess Chevy decided to ask for help, I hope he didn't wake you up." Her voice was sheepish and she feared she was as red as a beet with embarassment.  
  
"Rec room? I can take you there, is there something you need in particular?" His voice was definitely amused and she felt the air move as he walked over to her, and a snuffling as Chevy sniffed him.  
  
She shrugged, "Couldn't sleep, thought TV might help."   
  
Now his voice sounded embarassed, "Uh. That would be a problem." There was a pause as she waited for him to continue. "There was a slight disagreement as to whether the Yankees or the Mets were the superior team..." He trailed off then cleared his throat. "The TV is currently waiting to be replaced."   
  
She laughed, "You weren't involved with the fight were you? I'd figured you for a Cardinals fan."  
  
"No. But I was a bit too forceful in stopping it and put my fist through the screen," he admitted sheepishly, then laughed with her.  
  
"Oh goodness, were you ok?" She tried to muffle the laughter with her hand.  
  
"More or less. Needed a couple of stitches, but people did shape up for a while." Frustration sounded in his voice, "You'd think as an elite military squad they'd be a little more disciplined."  
  
Shana snorted, "You have got to be kidding me. Elite...rejects, there's a fine line." She shook her head.  
  
"Well, anyway, sorry. If you want, you can use my tv." She tried to determine his tone as he spoke.  
  
"I wouldn't want to impose."   
  
"No imposition. Really. I'll even make popcorn. You entertained me, now it's my turn to play host. Ok?" He touched her elbow to offer his arm.   
  
She hesitated, feeling the butterflies take flight in her stomach and hating the feeling, hating even more that she couldn't just walk away. "Ok. For a little while. Thanks." She didn't want to go back to the unfamiliar room. Unfamiliarity was one of the biggest enemies of the blind, and one of the biggest fears. Her life revolved around knowing where things were and being able to anticipate obstacles. Laying in bed and not being absolutely sure about where to go in an emergency was scary. She allowed him to lead her and Chevy into his quarters, then to the couch.   
  
He took her hand gently as they were sitting down, which caused her heart to flutter foolishly for a moment. He guided her hand to different objects as he spoke, "Coffee table, end table, remote, lamp." He squeezed her hand just slightly as he chuckled, "You may not need it for light, but please don't knock it over." They both laughed and she felt a twinge of regret as he released her hand. The cushions shifted as he stood up. "I'll go make some popcorn."  
  
"What time is it by the way?" She retouched everything he guided her to, memorizing what little she knew of the layout of the place. Anything was better than nothing. Once she finished, she took the remote, feeling over the buttons, hoping for some sorts of guides as to which buttons were which.   
  
"About one A.M., why?" He called from the kitchen.  
  
"Just curious." She was in luck, there were two sets of up and down arrows. She was willing to bet one was volume and the other channels. She started flipping through the channels, pausing every once in a while when something caught her ears. Soon, the smell of buttery popcorn filled the air in the small apartment. She could also hear the faint pops as the kernals exploded, almost entirely muffled by the hum of the microwave. A few minutes later the couch shifted again as Conrad sat down next to her. There was a dull thud as the bowl was set down on the cofee table.   
  
"Fresh hot popcorn, eleven o'clock. Need anything to drink?" She shook her head, continuing to channel surf. "What do you want to watch?" His tone was curious.  
  
"Don't know, anything interesting to listen to. I don't suppose you have closed captioning on this tv, do you?"  
  
A pause and then a hesitant question, "Uh. Does it show up in braille on the screen?" He was definitely puzzled.  
  
She laughed, "No! But sometimes they have alternate soundtracks for the blind for movies."   
  
"Really? Very cool. Let's see if we can find one!" She heard him rustling through paper, presumably looking at a guide. "How about 'Catch Me if You Can'?"  
  
Shana grinned and shrugged, "Let's try it." She handed him the remote and decribed to him how to access the proper menus. She wasn't too surprised when nothing new was added. "Unfortunately, although a lot of movies have it for the theaters, they don't bother to do it when it is on TV or DVD." Her tone was frustrated as she continued, "The work was already done, the track already exists, why won't they just let people access it?"  
  
Conrad adeptly broke in to lessen the tension, "Well, you'll just have to go out to a movie with me so I can see what you are talking about then. Do you still want the movie?"   
  
A small smile appeared at his subtle asking for a date, "Sure, and any time you want to see a movie, I'm game."  
  
She settled back, listening to the sounds of the Men in Black saving the earth from aliens, eating popcorn. After a while she yawned, finally getting a bit sleepy. She leaned her head against Conrad's shoulder just so she could finish out the movie before going back to her room. He put his arm around her gently. After a few moments, she murmurred sleepily, "I should get back now."   
  
"You don't have to," he whispered back, "You can just take a little nap like this. I'll be a gentleman."  
  
Shana hesitated, thinking how nice it would be to stay here, warm and comfortable in his arms, but reality reared its head and she thought about also the rumors that would be going around base and worse, Snake Eyes could find out and she wasn't up for another battle with him. Staying also brought up more questions about her relationship with Conrad than she was ready to deal with. "No. I shouldn't. It wouldn't look right." She hoped he could hear the reluctance in her voice and that he wasn't offended or hurt by her rejection.  
  
"Of course. Do you want me to walk you back?" He gently began helping her up.  
  
"Yes, please. Thank you." Her voice was quiet and she moved slowly, reticent to leave even though she knew it was the best idea. They walked with Chevy back to the guest quarters and she opened the door, allowing him to continue in with her.   
  
"Thank you Shana for the lovely evening. I hope you sleep well." In a chivalrous gesture, he took her hand and kissed it. "See you in the morning."   
  
"Goodnight Conrad. Take care. Thank you for everything." She wished that didn't sound so stupid and distant. A part of her wanted to throw her arms around him and tell him she would only sleep well if he was nearby, but the larger part of her didn't want to admit that she needed anyone. She had worked too hard to throw it all away now. She could make it on her own without him or anyone else. The door closed and she retired to the bed, inviting Chevalier up, snuggling next to him; a poor substitute, but hopefully enough to make it through the night without nightmares. 


	11. XI

"With every one, whisper I love you, I let you sleep." R.E.M. - "At My Most Beautiful"  
  
------------------------------  
  
The next morning took forever to come. Shana dozed fitfully but never really slept. The fear of the nightmares in a strange place was worse than the dreams themselves. She didn't want to wake up screaming and people breaking into the room trying to figure out what was happening. It was entirely too embarrassing. Climbing out of bed was a chore she didn't want to perform, but morning had finally arrived and she had to put in an appearance at breakfast or they would bother her about it.   
  
A knock came to her ears moments after she had gotten out of bed and she carefully went to the door. "Who is it?"  
  
"It's me Shana." Conrad's voice was a reassuring familiarity in the uncertainty that was being back on base. She opened the door for him, giving him a smile. "Are you ok?" His voice was concerned.  
  
"Yes, why do you ask?" She frowned, wondering what was giving her bad night away.  
  
His hand reached up and cupped her cheek, brushing the skin under her eyes, an intimate action, and yet it seemed so natural to come from him. "Your eyes say that you didn't sleep last night." His voice was quiet as he continued, "Dreams bad?"  
  
She unconsciously leaned into his hand a little, her voice also quiet, "I didn't want to give them the chance to be bad. It's easier this way."  
  
His attention was focused on her intently, she could feel its weight on her, "The easy way isn't always the best. Sometimes it's worth the risk to try the hard way." His hand was still on her face and she could feel the breath on her face as he moved closer to her. She realized she was leaning in as well, ready to kiss him, despite all of her other, logical objections to starting a relationship with him.   
  
Laughter suddenly erupted from the hallway as a group turned a corner into her area, the noise easily reaching them just inside the open door and breaking the spell of the moment. Duke's hand dropped from her face in a guilty manner and they straightened, both deciding silently that ignoring what almost happened was the best policy. Conrad's voice was strained as he spoke finally, "Let's get to breakfast. Don't want to miss out on the good grub."   
  
She nodded, taking Chevy's harness and not his arm to lead her to the mess. She didn't trust herself right now to touch him; it was just too difficult to work out what she was feeling.   
  
-----------------------------  
  
After a large breakfast, they all sat around chatting. Surprisingly, even Snake Eyes stayed around to be semi-sociable, using other teammates to translate for him. Mutt was there and they decided to give their dogs the day off from working. She wasn't sure how well Chevy would do with that, but didn't have a problem with it. She didn't need him as much in here, it was a lot easier to navigate than a busy city.   
  
She let Chevy lead her back to her room after breakfast, then Mutt and Junkyard took him, planning on going to the nearby lake for swimming and fetch. She lay down on the couch to relax for a little while. Not even ten minutes had passed and there was a knock on the door. She assumed it was Duke and was nervous about getting close to him again, so she just called to the door, "Come in."   
  
"Hey girl." It was Jaye actually who had come to see her. "How's it going? Am I disturbing?"   
  
A quick shake of her head was the reply, "Just resting a little."  
  
"Good. You look like you didn't get much sleep last night." She heard Jaye's footsteps move across the floor and sit down in an adjacent chair. "How is it, being back and everything?"  
  
"Strange. But kind of nice. I'm glad Conrad talked me into doing this." She mustered a smile, though the mere mention of his name made her head beat faster and stomach churn.   
  
"Yeah. He's a good guy. He's missed you since you left." There were unanswered questions in Allie's mind, Shana could tell, but she wasn't sure what the answer was either to tell the truth.  
  
Shana laughed uneasily, "I'm sure he's found people to pass the time with. He's never had a problem with that."   
  
Allie shifted in her seat, "Yeah, but he still misses you." Shana felt the heavy weight of Allie's stare and shifted uncomfortably.   
  
"Please don't go there Allie. Please." She had a pleading tone in her voice and Allie thankfully dropped the subject, perhaps realizing that with their time apart, she no longer had the same rights to comment on her friend's personal life.  
  
"So, New York. I bet it keeps you pretty busy there." She was trying to resurrect the conversation after steering it in the bad direction.  
  
Shana appreciated the effort and forced a smile, "More or less. I don't know many people really, but I chat with my friends online."   
  
"Really?" Allie sounded hurt. "Why them and not us?"  
  
Taken off guard, she stammered, "W-Well. I just didn't think I had anything in common with you all anymore."  
  
"So, you have to be missing eyes to have things in common?" Acid edged into Allie's voice.  
  
"No! But think about it. Since I've been here, what have we talked about? Old times. Military shit. That's not my life anymore." Now she was defensive.  
  
Allie's anger gained strength, "Well, you won't tell us what your life is anymore! You just sit there, pretend everything is fine and hide behind your damn dog and Duke!"  
  
"I am not hiding behind Duke! And don't you dare refer to Chevalier like that. You haven't learned anything have you Allie? It's not the same. I'm not the same. I can't just pretend like it never happened or that four years haven't gone by since we were really friends!"  
  
"But you won't tell any of us what happened or how you really are, how are we supposed to know how you've changed if you won't tell us? We're not psychic Shana and we're trying. But you won't throw us a bone. You can trust us, don't you remember that? We would all die for you and God knows we've killed for each other. That doesn't change, no matter how much time has passed." Allie's voice was harsh, and her words cut Shana to the quick for their truth.   
  
Silence reigned as Allie's rant ceased and Shana tried to think of a way to respond to it. Finally, she heard Allie stand up and walk to the door. "I thought it would be different when you came back. When you decide that we're worthy to be your friends again, let me know, mmkay?"   
  
Shana heard the door open and then close again, and she got up, smothering a scream of frustration, punching the door as Allie left, forgetting there was a full length mirror on it. It shattered, cutting her hand and doing nothing for her mood. She cried in pain and anger as she made her way to the bathroom to wash it off and bandage it. She fumbled trying to find everything, bracing her hands on either side of the sink, letting the blood flow freely as she cried.   
  
She was so wrapped in herself that she was startled when a hand touched her arm. She inhaled, smelling Conrad's cologne, but not saying anything yet. He broke the silence awkwardly, "I heard a crash. Do you want me to help?" His fingers slid down her arm to her hands, examining the wound without waiting for a reply.   
  
That sparked her anger again; the assumption that she would need help without asking. The logical part of her mind knew that it had less to do with her being blind than his friend, but logic has little room in angry ranting. She grabbed a towel, wrapping it around her hand as she pushed past him. "Go away. I don't need you." Conrad grabbed her arm, trying to talk to her, so she repeated, trying to sound even stronger but fearing it was weaker. "I don't need you!" She whispered it a few more times as she tried to get away, hoping to convince herself of the truth of it  
  
Stubborn as the man was, he followed her, wrapping his arms around her gently as she repeated the phrase. He whispered in her ear, "We need you though Shana. We need you in our lives." There was a pause. "I -" She could feel his breath in her ear as her own heart pounded. He didn't continue, cutting himself off quickly and just repeating, "We need you Shana."   
  
"I don't know how to do it anymore. I don't know how to be normal anymore, Conrad. I can't remember what it was like."  
  
"There's no such thing as normal. Just...Trust, and friends. All of which you have here." He caressed her hair while holding her. "You're putting too much pressure on yourself to try and be this perfect person, and then when it doesn't happen you feel like a failure. We don't care about perfect, just you; flaws and all." His voice was like the gentle waves of the ocean against the unsteady boat of her mind.  
  
She didn't respond; she didn't know how to. It wasn't as easy as he made it seem; she wasn't sure why, but it just wasn't. "Thank you." She felt a rush of sleepiness come to her mind; somehow he always knew what to say to let her relax. "I think I'm going to try and nap." She knew it seemed fairly distant and cold considering, but that was the way it was and he'd just have to accept that.  
  
He reticently released her and she cursed the fact that she wanted to dive back into the warmth of his arms. "Sleep well." He took her hand for a moment and squeezed it before leaving. She sighed and laid on the bed, wishing that things were different. She didn't actually expect to be able to fall asleep, but she did with thoughts of Conrad still dancing around. 


	12. XII

=====================================  
  
"But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness - Even if, even if you don't love me anymore." Don Henley - "Heart of the Matter"  
  
-------------------------------------  
  
Duke walked out of Shana's room to see Snake Eyes resting his back against the walling, seething and staring. His jaw tensed and he could feel the anger coming from the ninja in strong waves. He glanced back at Shana's door and then motioned down the hall. "She's sleeping; I don't want to wake her, do you?" Snake Eyes didn't reply, but he wasn't any happier with the reason they were leaving. They walked to the gym which was thankfully empty. Duke turned to face Snake Eyes, "Alright, now what exactly is your problem?"  
  
Thankfully, Duke did know ASL, so he could follow along, though he had some trouble when Snake Eyes signed too quickly. Right now though, Snakes moved slowly, deliberately, in a patronizing manner. 'What are you doing?'  
  
Duke raised a brow, "What do you mean?" He gave Snakes a warning look; he better watch what he was saying because if he insulted Shana, he would be in a world of hurt.  
  
'All that time in Shana's room, going to her apartment. That's unethical and slimy.' His hands sped up slightly as he got into his rant. 'She's blind and all you are trying to do is take advantage of her!'  
  
Anger flared in Duke's face, and he held up his hands, "Stop right there. First, I am not her commanding officer anymore, so ethics would not come into play IF," Conrad stressed that word heavily, "I were to pursue her. She's not military, so no problems there. Secondly, yes, she's blind but that doesn't make her into a different person and the Shana I knew could very well take care of herself. Lastly, there is nothing going on between us. We are friends, nothing more." The last sentence made him feel a little uncomfortable because while he believed the first two whole-heartedly, he wasn't sure if the last was totally honest. He did have strong feelings for her, but it was just not the right time.   
  
'So what if you aren't her CO? You wouldn't have known how to find her without your position.' He resolutely stuck to his point, 'You are taking advantage of her. You used to hold a position of power over her.'  
  
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::  
  
Above them, in the observation window of the gym, quite a crowd had gathered. Not surprisingly, Shipwreck was leading the charge. "Alright, place your bets ladies and gentlemen. Which one will be the first to throw a punch and what time will that be?"   
  
Bets were being laid left and right with the odds and possibilities being discussed by all the Joes, really rather enjoying the semi-verbal shootout occurring; it really livened up a slow day.   
  
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::  
  
"Don't give me that crap Snake Eyes. She enjoys spending time with me and I with her. We're friends who enjoy each others' company. You are not seeing her, you have no right to dictate who she spends her time with."   
  
Every muscle in Snake Eyes' body was taut; he wanted to hit Duke so badly. The only thing that stopped him was not that Duke was his CO, but that Shana would hear about it and get upset. It was just killing him to think of her with someone else, no matter how much they denied it. He could see the way they interacted was far more than friends, but Duke just wouldn't admit it. His hands flew furiously as he signed, 'Yeah right, that's why you spent the night with her the first time you saw her again.'  
  
As Duke put two and two together, realizing this must be why Shana asked about him telling people, he suddenly moved and slammed Snake Eyes against the padded wall of the gym, his arm on the ninja's neck, pinning him down and growling, "You need to get over it Snake Eyes, you are crossing a line into scary freak territory and I will not hesitate if I find out that it continues past today, understood?" He released the other man, ready for a retaliatory attack.  
  
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::  
  
"Three minutes! Who had Duke at three minutes?" Shipwreck called out gaily.  
  
"That doesn't count as a punch!" Cover Girl protested angrily.  
  
Steeler slapped her butt, "Oh yes it does babe. OWWWWWWWW." Cover Girl had grabbed the offending hand and was twisting it into unnatural positions.  
  
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::  
  
Surprisingly, the attack never came, Snake Eyes just sat down on the floor of the gym, back against the wall. Duke hesitated, then sat down as well, out of arms reach, but where they could still talk quietly. "I'll admit I have feelings for her, but I don't know if she reciprocates. Nothing has happened outside of friendship."   
  
Snake Eyes looked over at him and nodded, considering that. "You love her?"  
  
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::  
  
As quickly as they gathered, the gamblers filed out of the observation room, not wanting to be involved in the private conversation. Steeler waved his money around happily, taunting Cover Girl with it.  
  
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::  
  
Caught off guard, Duke shrugged uneasily, "I don't know," he said truthfully, "I think so. I think I could, if given the opportunity if I'm not now."  
  
Snakes seemed to consider that, it was a fair enough statement. He thought about his tumultuous relationship with Shana and knew it hadn't always been a pleasant thing. Plus, what it came down to was that she was her own woman and Duke was his friend. He trusted the man with his life, and he deserved that trust now too.   
  
Standing in one fluid motion, Snake Eyes offered a hand to Duke to help him up from the floor, which he accepted. There was a pause as they looked at each other, then Snakes signed, 'You hurt her, I'll kill you.'  
  
Duke grinned, "Fair enough. You cut out the stalking, ok?" Snakes nodded then clapped Duke on the back in a brotherly fashion.   
  
Snake Eyes wasn't naive enough to think he wouldn't struggle with his jealousy in the future, but he'd made an important step towards moving on with his life. 


	13. XIII

Look for the final chapter of this one tomorrow. Thanks for following along folks. :)  
  
=======================================  
  
"Into the woods-  
  
You have to grope,  
  
But that's the way  
  
You learn to cope.  
  
Into the woods  
  
To find there's hope  
  
Of getting through the journey." - Stephen Sondheim "Children Will Listen" from "Into The Woods"  
  
---------------------------------------  
  
A knock sounded on the door to Conrad's office, several hours after his confrontation with Snake Eyes. When it opened, Shana walked in, seeming uncomfortable, sans dog, only with her long cane. She gave a weak smile as she spoke, "Mind if I sit down?"   
  
"Um, of course not. What's up?" Duke couldn't hide his surprise that she was there and was worried about her expression.   
  
She licked her lips nervously, "I think I should go home." Nothing was said in response for a moment and she clarified, "Now."  
  
More silence greeted her and she began to be paranoid that she was alone in the room. Finally she heard him shift, probably leaning forward in his chair as he said, "Now? Why? I mean, you just got here practically." He didn't even try and hide the disappointment in his voice.  
  
She shook her head, "With the stuff going on with Snake Eyes and me not really being able to sleep here, I'm just not sure it was a good idea to plan for such a long visit to start with."  
  
"The situation with Snake Eyes is settled." He smiled as he watched her get a curious expression on her face and continued before she could ask, "I don't want you to go yet, but if you do, I won't keep you here. I wish there was something I could do to make it easier for you." Duke's voice held a fair amount of regret; it always seemed as though there wasn't enough he could do.   
  
"What happened with Snakes?" She ignored the second part of his statement because there was nothing she would admit to that he could help with.  
  
She heard him move in his chair again, "Not too much. We just came to an agreement." He couldn't help but grin watching her eyebrow shoot higher. "I told him to stop being a stalker before I have to smack him down and he..." Duke trailed off uncomfortably, not wanting to give himself away too obviously, especially since she was feeling so uncomfortable anyway. "He just wanted to make sure you were safe." It was the truth, just incomplete.   
  
"Safe, from what I wonder?" Her musing tone clearly marked it as a rhetorical question, for which Conrad was thankful. Shana stood and she heard him do likewise.   
  
She felt his presence as he walked closer to her, "If you want to go, I'll arrange for a car immediately. I just want you to promise me one thing." She looked at him expectantly, "That I don't have to wait too long to see you again.   
  
He was so close to her now she could hardly breathe. She heard the words and unconsciously tilted her face up towards him, as if anticipating a kiss. She imagined that their lips had to be nearly touching now, why wasn't he just kissing her? "I promise." As soon as she spoke the words, his lips grazed hers lightly, on their way to her cheek. A shiver ran through her, agonizing about whether she should encourage him, when suddenly there was a knock on the door. He jumped away from her and she did likewise, almost losing her balance.  
  
"Who is it?" Duke's voice sounded a little odd, strained. She couldn't help but smile, hoping that it was for the same reason she was feeling shaky.  
  
"It's just me," Allie's voice carried through the wood easily. "I was just wondering if you had seen Shana lately."   
  
Shana felt the air move as Duke walked by her and a larger gust as he opened the door to his office, "As it so happens, I have." She had a feeling he was gesturing to her.   
  
Jaye spoke before Shana had a chance, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said all that stuff. I went by your room and saw your things packed up, and I feel terrible. I don't want you to cut this short on account of me."  
  
"It's not just because of you Jaye. I just don't belong here anymore. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have tried to recapture something that was gone," she said dully. It was hard to come back and be sure that she would never be able to be around them again for any length of time. She wasn't sure yet whether she included Conrad in that grouping yet, but for now it was safer to assume that it would be too difficult. It was better to just walk away.   
  
Neither one of her friends knew how to respond to her pronouncement, so she just walked out. She didn't feel as strong as she thought she would though. She was in control of the situation but it felt a lot like she was running away. She hesitated, thinking of running back into Conrad's arms, but resisted and just held her head up as she walked back to her quarters get her things to leave.  
  
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::  
  
Two days later Shana felt like she was going stir crazy inside of her apartment. She didn't want to go out; she wanted to be back at the base. It was so stupid, she just left there but she had this intense urge to go back. She paced the room, ignoring Chevy's concerned whine at her edginess. This wasn't right; she was not supposed to be feeling like this. She stopped at the phone and for the second time that day, picked up the phone, dialing the numbers to Duke's quarters. She was nearly possible that he wasn't there, which suited her fine.   
  
"You've reached the number you dialed, leave a message." Duke's voice was no-nonsense but had a hint of amusement, like the man behind it. She listened to the message and hastily hung up before the sound of the tone.  
  
"God, what am I, like 12?" her words echoed into the apartment, just heightening her self-consciousness with her behavior. She was over thirty and she was calling the boy she liked's phone just to hear his voice on the machine, without telling him. So incredibly immature, and yet she couldn't bring herself to stay on the line long enough to leave a message. She debating ripping the phone out of the wall to keep her from calling, then went back to the phone, dialing a local number quickly.   
  
"Hello?" A woman's familiar voice greeted her, helping to ground her a bit.  
  
"Hey. It's Shana."   
  
"Hey girl. I thought you were going to be gone still..." Her friend, Nan, trailed off questioningly.  
  
Shana licked her lips unhappily, "Yeah. Supposed to be. Didn't work out that way."  
  
She heard Nan sigh through the line, "Sorry to hear that. Were they being assholes to you? Do we need to go give them a good whack with our canes?" Shana had the rare pleasure of having a close friend who lived fairly nearby who was also blind and had lost her sight as an adult. It was a benefit to living in a large city; it was easier to find people like you.  
  
A laugh escaped Shana's lips, "No. Opposite."   
  
"Ooo?" Nan's voice took on a more shrill tone in anticipation of the gossip. "That old boyfriend of yours? Having trouble sticking to your resolution of staying away from him, or is it the new guy?"  
  
"Duke isn't a new guy, he was my best friend for years," she replied carelessly.  
  
Nan squealed again, "It is him. So, spill, what happened?"  
  
"Nothing. Nothing at all happened." Dejection was obvious in her voice.  
  
There was a pause on the phone, "I'm sorry sweetie, he's an ass to not be interested in a woman like you. So what you're short a couple of eyes, you've got extra marbles, which will always leave us on top."  
  
"It wasn't that he wasn't interested I don't think," Shana corrected.  
  
A longer pause then Nan said impatiently, "Are you going to tell me what it was then? Because I'm confused as hell."  
  
"How about we meet for lunch? I want to get out of here and stop staring at the phone."   
  
"Done. How about Mozart's? Get a sandwich and then concentrate on the dessert while we gossip."   
  
Shana couldn't help the large grin on her face. "Sounds fabulous. Meet you there in forty five? Is that enough time for you to make it?"   
  
"Sounds like a plan. See you there, travel safely."  
  
"You too." Shana hung up the phone, feeling immensely relieved. She knew that an afternoon with Nan would get her sorted out.  
  
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::  
  
Duke ran to pick up his phone, wearing only a towel. By the time he reached it, it had already switched to the machine and the person hadn't left a message. He figured it was Flint, calling to rag on him and so he hit 69, intending to find out whether he was at home or Allie's. Nothing could prepare him for the shock when he heard Shana's number in New York being recited to him. Suddenly worried, he threw on some clothing and called Flint. "Hey. I've got to run to New York. I think Shana might be in some trouble."  
  
He could almost hear Flint's smirk, "Sure. Trouble. Like missing you?"   
  
"No. Like real trouble. I'll go and scope it out. I'll call when I get closer. If you don't hear back from me by," he checked his watch quickly, "eighteen hundred hours, be ready send a team out."   
  
Flint's voice immediately switched to concern, "You really think she's in trouble? Wouldn't it be better to go with a team, just in case?"  
  
"No," he said firmly. "She gets freaked out by that and if it's nothing, she'll be pissed at me. That should leave me plenty of travel time."  
  
"Alright, Flint still sounded dubious, but was willing to trust his friend. "Call me as soon as you know anything.  
  
"I will, buddy. Out." With that, Duke hurried off to check on Shana. 


	14. XIV

=======================================  
  
"I have a face I cannot show  
  
I make the rules up as I go  
  
Just try and love me if you can  
  
Are you strong enough to be my man?" Sheryl Crow - "Strong Enough"  
  
---------------------------------------  
  
Conrad pulled up outside Shana's apartment not more than an hour later. He had flown down to New York City immediately, unable to suppress the cold hand of fear. He was in an army jeep and he left it parked illegally in front of her apartment as he flew up the stairs and rang her apartment. Not surprisingly, she did not answer. He rang the manager and was greeted by a portly man.   
  
"Hello sir. I'm First Sergeant Conrad Hauser and I need to get into the apartments of one of your residents, Shana O'Hara." Duke was firm and left little room for argument.   
  
The smaller man eyed Conrad warily, "Why do you need to do that? I'm not supposed to let people in like that. You got a warrant?"  
  
He resisted the urge to punch the man and kick down Shana's door, instead trying to be as patient as possible, "She is a former operative for the government, we have reasonable intelligence that she is being targeted and she has disappeared. I need to get into her apartment to make sure she isn't inside and injured and see if there are any clues to her whereabouts." He was lying a bit, but not a lot. All of what he was saying could be true.  
  
The manager looked alarmed and after checking Duke's credentials, let him in and unlocked Shana's apartment. Conrad swept through quickly; no sign of her. He picked up her phone and hit the redial button to see if he was the last person she had called. After four rings, an answering machine picked up. "Hello, this is Nan and Gertie," there was an obligatory bark of a dog in the background. "We're not here right now. Please leave your name, number and a message after the tone." Duke's mind raced. Who in the hell was Nan? The manager was still looking at him expectantly and he hung up the line without leaving a message, calling Flint's cell quickly.   
  
"Hello?" Allie's voice was worried as she answered. She likely saw the caller ID information and knew what was going on.  
  
"Tell Flint that I am in her apartment, she's not here, but no indication that she's been harmed or injured. There's a hold on the team until I figure out what's going on. I'll call back later." Duke hung up the phone, trying to stay calm and not jump to conclusions. Her last call had been to a friend most likely. So, maybe she was in trouble and had called the other woman when she couldn't get a hold of him, or it could be innocent and she was fine and she was out with a friend.   
  
The apartment manager looked at him expectantly, "Maybe you could ask Mrs. Cadwell. She lives in the front apartment and sees a lot."  
  
Duke looked over at the man and nodded. "Good. Thank you." He locked the door behind him and followed the other man to the first door after the security entrance to the building. He knocked and soon the door opened as far as a security chain would allow and an elderly woman peered out. "Hello, we're looking for one of your neighbors, she may be in trouble. Named Shana O'Hara, bright red hair and always has a dog. She's blind," he added, almost as an afterthought.  
  
Mrs. Cardwell sized Conrad up and recognized true concern in his eyes. "She went out maybe an hour or two ago with her blind friend, her name is..." the woman furrowed her already wrinkled brow in thought, "Nancy, that's it. Poor dears, I don't know how they manage, both of them being blind and only having those dogs to help them in the city. We talked a little when they got back."  
  
"Got back?" The fear reared its ugly head. If they returned, where were they now?  
  
"Yes, they were stopping back before heading to the park. Is Shana ok? She's really is such a dear."   
  
Duke relaxed greatly with the information he received. She was ok, just out for a day with a friend. He had totally overreacted to her not leaving a message. He wondered what was wrong with him; normally he wouldn't be so paranoid and impulsive about this. 'You are jumpy because you love her,' a little voice in his head whispered. He pushed the voice away and spoke aloud, "I think so. It appears as if we had faulty intelligence. Thank you both for your cooperation. I am going to go try and find her and give her an update on the situation." Tell her that he was being a paranoid, overprotective ass was more the case. He knew she would lay into him for it, but he couldn't help it. He knew she'd hear about it and he couldn't lie to her.  
  
After finishing in her apartment building he called Flint to tell the team to stand down and then he jogged to Central Park to look for Shana and her friend.  
  
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::  
  
Shana and her friend Nancy sat on a bench in Central Park, enjoying the early evening fall temperatures. Shana was embarrassed to admit that most of the conversation had centered on Conrad. Nan thought that Shana should go for it and give Conrad a chance, but she still wasn't convinced. She didn't want to just be the pity date and her fear was that Conrad was interested merely out of pity and guilt. What kind of woman would she be to accept pity dates?  
  
"It's up to you, Shana," Nan's voice held a touch of reproach as they walked a circuit in the park. They both had ice cream to enjoy as they walked and let the dogs get some exercise. Neither dog was on lead or duty, they were strictly caning, being so familiar with this area of the park. "But he, from your own description, seems to be a decent guy who actually likes you. There are far too few men like that, for blind or sighted women. I know I've sure as hell not found one." Both of them chuckled. Nan's loss of sight was a lot less scarring emotionally and she dated frequently. She had had more than her share of men who had only asked her out from pity or trying to be seen as noble; she was pretty good at sniffing out the motives of people. Sometimes she went on the dates still just to mess with their minds out of a perverse sense of humor. Shana liked those stories the most.  
  
"I know you are right." She popped the last of the cone into her mouth, her next words a bit muffled, "but it's just risky."  
  
Nan nudged her friend, "You know they say that all good things are risky."   
  
Shana sighed with a smile, "You're right. Ok. We get back, I'll call him and actually leave a message. Happy?"  
  
"Very." Nan's voice held a great deal of satisfaction at the agreement.  
  
They walked around, chatting about more banal topics as night fell. "We probably should call the dogs back and get going," Shana said, feeling the difference in temperature most acutely as she listened to their surroundings; someone was approaching.  
  
"Freeze." A gravelly voice spoke to them from the approaching footsteps. "Give me your purses," There was a pause as the man surveyed the women in front of him, "And jewelry."  
  
Nan snorted out laughter as she spoke, "You are kidding me. This is New York, but you're going to try and rob a couple of blind chicks? Whatever would your mother say?" Nan didn't take the threat too seriously, most people had enough morals to leave them alone and she knew Shana could probably take care of the rest.  
  
She felt the air move as the man came closer and felt the cold, round end of a gun pressed to her ribs, "Yeah, because who's gonna stop me? Come on, just shut up and give me what you have, I don't have much time."   
  
Nan inhaled deeply with the gun being touched to her, it was suddenly more serious. She could smell when she inhaled the tell-tale scent of meth. The scent of cat piss was hard to miss and if this guy was high, that made him a hell of a lot more dangerous. "He's got a gun and is on something," she hissed to Shana.  
  
"SHUT UP!" Now she felt the barrel at her head and although the hand holding it seemed fairly shaky, she didn't think he would miss at this range.  
  
"Be quiet Nan," Shana repeated quietly, knowing the woman would listen to her. She listened to the air around her, trying to determine exactly how much space was in between her and their attacker. "I'm sure this nice gentleman wouldn't actually use that gun, not on two helpless blind women."   
  
The words had the intended effect, now there was a cold piece of metal pressed to Shana's cheek, "I wouldn't, huh? Since when do you know me, bitch? Give me your shit before I lose my patience and prove to you how serious I am about using this gun."  
  
Shana nodded, trying to appear meek as she slowly removed her purse from her shoulder. The gun lowered from her cheek as she held it out and that was just the opportunity she was waiting for.  
  
Quickly, she found his gun arm, grabbing the wrist, twisting it under she heard a 'crack' of breaking bone and the clatter as the weapon fell to the floor. "Now we're on even footing," her voice was soft and dangerous as she kicked the stunned man, sweeping his feet from him. He let out another cry of pain and she could hear him trying to find his gun on the ground. She kicked him again in the ribs, hearing another sickening crack and thump as he fell on his side. She pushed him over, none too gently, and placed her foot on his neck. "You move again, I break it," still in that soft whisper. More loudly, she called to Nan, "Get your cell out. Call the police." The man swore and cried under her foot, but he did not attempt to escape, he could hear the deadly intent when she spoke to him.   
  
"No need. I just did." Conrad's voice came as such a shock that she let the pressure from her foot slacken and her assailant tried to squirm away before she reapplied a painful amount of pressure.  
  
"Conrad?" She was puzzled, what in the hell was he doing here?  
  
She thought she could hear amusement in his voice, "Yeah. Mind if I take your prisoner before you kill him? You'll have to deal with a shitstorm if that happens; blind or not, you're still a lethal weapon." Shana reluctantly removed her foot when she felt Conrad touch her calf to tell her that he had control of the prisoner.  
  
"What the hell?" Nan was in shock at the events that had just occurred. She knew Shana knew martial arts, but a lethal weapon? And was this the same Conrad that they had been gossiping about?  
  
"Conrad, what are you doing here? Were you following me?" Her voice was accusatory.  
  
He grunted as he lifted the mugger and put a zip strip on him to the bench, "No. I was looking for you. You called before, didn't leave a message, I thought you were in trouble and so I thought I could come down and help you." There was clear amusement in his voice, "Obviously, you do not need any help in the trouble department. You can still kick some major ass," he said appreciatively.  
  
"You just watched us get attacked and didn't do anything?" she said angrily.  
  
"No. I walked up as you were being threatened and then you start to beat him down. I figured it would be better if I stayed back; you were doing fine on your own. Hell, we both know you've always been better at hand to hand, even without your eyes." He was matter-of-fact as he spoke and then he suddenly said, "Hi, I'm Conrad, an old friend of Shana's. You must be Nancy."  
  
Nancy's was shocked as she stuck her hand out and said, "Uh. Yeah." They shook hands and then the girls called their dogs back and waited for the police to arrive.  
  
The police questioning was grueling, especially for Shana. None of them could believe that she had caused all the injuries on the druggie. She was getting annoyed with their certainty that she was either lying about being blind or being the one who took the man down. Conrad laughed as she popped out her eyes to demonstrate that they were indeed false. When he heard her say loudly, "If you don't believe that I did this, why don't you try me? Come on, too pussy for a fight?" he walked over, and she could hear the grin in his voice, "Officers, I can assure you that Master Sergeant O'Hara is more than capable of taking down all of us if she so desired. I wouldn't push her." She couldn't help but grin and blush as he said that.   
  
Nan decided to allow the police to escort her home, "I think the guy offering sounds pretty cute, plus you need some time alone with Conrad." Shana pushed her playfully before kissing her friend's cheek and returning to Conrad. They waited until the police had all left and he offered his arm to walk her home.  
  
"So why did you come down here again?" She smiled as she held his arm, walking slowly back to her apartment.  
  
"I was worried about you. Worry that was grossly misplaced, as I can now see." He stopped, so she did as well, and he turned to face her, "Why did you call me in the first place and not leave a message?"  
  
"Honestly?" She grinned as he took her hand and placed it on his face to feel him nodding, "I wanted to talk to you but chickened out."  
  
He laughed, "You chickened out? I find that hard to believe. You're one of the most fearless people I've ever known."  
  
She shook her head. "No, because I've been too afraid to do this." She used her hand on his face to draw him closer to her, kissing him gently. He responded, circling her in his arms and holding her tightly. When the kiss finally ended, she smiled up at him, "I've wanted to do that for a while."  
  
They laughed together and she laid her head on his arm as they started walking back to her apartment. She didn't know where this was going to go, but she was finally ready to take the chance to find out. 


	15. Epilogue

===============================  
  
"Finally someone let me out of my cage  
  
Now, time for me is nothing cos I'm counting no age  
  
Now I couldn't be there  
  
Now you shouldn't be scared  
  
I'm good at repairs  
  
And I'm under each snare  
  
Intangible  
  
Bet you didn't think so I command you to" Gorillaz "Clint Eastwood"  
  
-------------------------------  
  
"Come right in dear," the nurse fussed over the visitor like a clucking hen. The visitor gave a sad smile, clearly trying to put on a brave face. "I'm so glad you were able to come. It's always sad when this situation happens and no family is nearby. Were you close?"  
  
The woman shook her head, her voice quiet, trying to hide her shame, "No, we haven't seen each other in 15 years. It's been only a little less that we've spoken. I only wish I had been here when it happened," an odd smile came to her face.  
  
"Well, you are here now, and that's what is important, right? Don't think about the time you've lost, this is your chance to make things right." The nurse patted the woman's hand consolingly. Right through here is his room, here's a chair." The chair scraped against the floor as the nurse pulled it close to the bedside. The woman sat down in the chair and the nurse handed her the call button. "Hit this if you need anything, anything at all. Now, he can still hear you and understand you. He's been given medications to keep him from fighting the ventilator and other treatments. His condition is still tenuous, but he's a fighter!" She gave an encouraging smile to the man in the bed. "I'll give you some privacy, but just hit that call button any time you would need it." The nurse checked his vitals before smiling at the woman, "He's nervous about seeing you again, you can tell by his heart rate." She smiled back at the man, "Don't worry, she's here now and she's going to take good care of you." She bustled out of the room, letting father and daughter have some privacy.  
  
What a coincidence though, her being blind and her father having lost an eye.   
  
======================================  
  
Shana carefully laid the call button beside her, whispering softly, "I don't think we'll be needing that, will we, 'dad'?" If anyone else could hear her voice at that moment, they would have been chilled down to their soul. She smiled as she heard the faint beepings of his heart rate speeding up. "You still recognize my voice? How sweet. It's been so long. But you're right, I never forgot the sound." She grasped his arm, her nails digging painfully into his skin. "Not even for a moment you sick fuck. But look at this, I couldn't have planned this better if I had tried! Now you are the one who can't move and I'm the one with the power."  
  
"I only wish I could see the fear in your eye right now. It has to be there. I would, except of course you denied me that." She ran her hand over the ventilator, feeling all the cords and tubing, smiling as she found the one that led to the oxygen outlet in the wall. She turned the knob slowly towards the right, lessening the supply of air going to the man. She heard muffled grunts from behind the vent and smiled, turning it back on. She leaned down to whisper in his ear, her warm breath tickling the small hairs that were there, "Next time I won't let you wake up."  
  
She had never healed fully from what happened so many years ago. No matter what, it still was just below her conscious mind and nagging at her. She couldn't do anything about it easily; she wasn't in the military where she could go on Bludd hunts whenever she wanted. Instead she followed his movements through the years via private investigators and the internet, waiting for her opportunity to exact her revenge when it finally presented itself. And here it was: the infamous Major Bludd, long since retired and hiding under an assumed name, had had a heart attack. It was perfect. Now he was in congestive heart failure and didn't have long to live, and she was here to enjoy it.  
  
Conrad had often spoken about tracking Bludd down and killing him but she had stopped him, for two reasons. First, it was her place to kill Bludd, not Conrad's. He wasn't in the room, even though he knew what happened. This was her debt to settle and she wasn't so weak that she couldn't settle it. Secondly, she didn't want Conrad to get his hands dirty in this. She loved him because his heart was more pure than hers. He had killed before, they all had, but it was in self-defense or in the line of duty, not in cold blood. She didn't want to think he was capable of what she felt needed to be done. She wouldn't feel safe with him and worse, she knew a part of him would be killed in the process and he would never be the same. That just wasn't who he was.  
  
So instead she tracked him carefully, suppressing her disgust when he retired under an assumed name with more money than he deserved. She waited as he lived his carefree life, never realizing that a sniper's bead was trained on him and only waiting for the right moment. And the moment had finally arrived. Shana felt a great deal of peace with her decision; at last this would be truly over. She would never again have to wonder if he was going to hurt her.   
  
"Are you looking at me now? Wondering if maybe you made a mistake all those years ago? You did. I may have been under your control then, but I am strong and will always come back. You underestimated me," she opened her purse, taking out a few vials and containers. "Now, what do we want to start with?"  
  
========================================  
  
The nurse was at the station, reading a romance novel and she did a double take for a moment, the square-jawed, blonde Adonis from her story seemed to have stepped off the pages and was rushing into her ward! His eyes cast about, searching for something, then settled on the nurse. Her pulse quickened and her mouth suddenly went dry. "M-m-may I help you?" she stammered in awe. The man had a commanding presence and she stood up straighter, feeling it appropriate when speaking with him.  
  
"Has a blind woman been here?" His voice was sharp and concerned; she could see his jaw tighten when she nodded.  
  
"Yes, she's in visiting with her father. Would you like to go in too? Are you family?" Now she was curious and she was ashamed to admit, jealous. This appeared to be the blind woman's husband, judging by the ring on his finger, but how did they end up together? That woman couldn't appreciate his appearance like the nurse could. Some girls have all the luck.  
  
"In a manner of speaking, which room?"   
  
========================================  
  
Before Shana was able to do anything more than minor irritations, there was a knock on the door. She quickly swept the items back into her purse, and said lightly, "Yes?"  
  
She heard the door open and familiar heavy footsteps walk into the room. She slumped a little, knowing he was going to try and stop her. His large, warm hand came onto her shoulder and his voice was quiet, "You don't want to do this Shana, you are better than he is."  
  
She gritted her teeth and tensed underneath his hand, her volume matching his, "No I'm not. You don't know how long I've dreamed of this. I have to do it, Conrad."  
  
"No you don't," she heard his voice change as he moved in front of her and crouched down, his hands on her thighs and voice soothing, "Just let him go, please. I knew you wanted to do something like this, and I let it go; that's my fault. I thought you'd never get the opportunity and it was a harmless fantasy. This is not the way to end it; this'll haunt you for the rest of your life if you murder him. The nightmares won't stop; they just will change. Do you want to be him?" Shana bowed her head and started crying and Conrad swept her into his arms, holding her tightly.  
  
"But how can he just get a free pass and die in peace after all he's done? It's not fair! I want to know for sure that he is gone and can't hurt anyone else," she tried to rationalize between her tears, knowing that Conrad was right, but yet the urge to take revenge so strong.  
  
He kissed her gently, "He's not going to get a free pass or die in peace. We're going to stay here until he's gone and he can torment himself, knowing what he did and being afraid of what you'll do. Ok? Please?" he lifted her hands to his face to feel his expression, the desperation to pull her back from the abyss before he lost her. She didn't speak, she just nodded, sighing sadly. Conrad kept his arms around her for a long time, then walked to the door to the room and spoke to the nurse about getting an extra bed in the room so they could stay the night there.  
  
========================================  
  
For two days, Bludd held onto life and Conrad and Shana held vigil over him. She was crying most of the time, and the nurses clucked about how sad it was to see the patient's daughter so torn up by his death. They brought her food trays and blankets, trying to make it easier on the poor girl. Thinking they were helping, they tried to do everything they could to save Bludd, but his heart was too damaged. His daughter wouldn't sign the paperwork for an organ transplant and signed a "Do Not Resuscitate" order. Her husband explained that she just didn't want to think of prolonging his suffering and the nurses accepted that. It was a common feeling when a patient was at the end of their time.   
  
========================================  
  
In those two days, Shana watched the man that had changed her life so dramatically, waste away. That brought her some peace, to think that even evil wasn't immune to time and human frailty. When his heart rate became erratic and he started twitching, Conrad and Shana were arm in arm over his bedside. She had her hand on his chest to feel his last breaths and she breathed a sigh of relief when the alarms were sounding and not even the ventilator was enough to keep him breathing.   
  
The doctors and nurses all came in, gently separating Shana from her "father", examining him and declaring the time of death. They were a little surprised to see that the blind woman stopped crying after it was over. They moved respectfully out of the way to allow her to say a final goodbye.  
  
Shana felt like a weight had been lifted once he was finally dead. Conrad was right, it would have been worse if she had killed him. Now she could rest assured that she wouldn't be joining him in hell. She walked over to the body, her hands moving over his face, confirming that it was indeed over. She took a deep breath and then shocked all the medical personnel in the room, though she was fairly certain she would bring a smile to Conrad's face. She spit on Bludd's face, speaking with vehemence, "Rot in hell you sadistic bastard!" She turned, taking her husband's waiting arm and finally ended this horrible chapter in her life. 


End file.
